voluntary limbo

Violet is 29, single and currently between jobs and men. She shares her apartment with a variety of young women who come and go according to whether or not they've got a man or a job.

"I own my apartment so I'm luckier than most single women my age," says Violet. "If nothing else in my life is going right, I still have my apartment. What with good guys and good jobs being hard to find, and keep, I find enormous comfort in knowing that I've always got a home I can depend upon to be there for me no matter what."

Violet sees a great deal of similarity between jobs and relationships.

"I've done it myself and I've seen countless young women do it, too," confides Violet. "We bounce from job to job on the rebound just like we do in relationships."

"Jumping into a new job or a new relationship after we lose a job or a guy is acting on the rebound principle," laughs Violet, "and it's so silly, it really is."

"We think that any job or any guy is better than being unemployed or without a guy in our lives," says Violet, "but jumping into another job or another relationship is not the solution. Often, acting on the rebound lands us in a pan and fire situation."

"I broke the rebound guy pattern by deliberately going into hibernation to get my act together," says Violet.

"I had experienced so much heartache first hand, and second hand through all the young women who've shared my apartment, that I made up my mind to sort myself out," explains Violet. "I took advantage of a between jobs situation to assess what I had been doing wrong."

After Violet's third relationship had ended badly, she did what she had done previously. She went out looking for a new love but this time she did not find another one within a few months. She then joined a singles club and a online dating service.

"During that period I must have gathered the names of at least a hundred men," says Violet. "Some of them I agreed to meet, but none of them appealed to me. This situation continued for more than a year - at the end of which I started to panic."

"I felt that I had to have a man in my life, that without a guy to date I had no identity, no femininity, no worth as a woman," confides Violet.

"In desperation I started looking at men I had previously rejected and wondered whether if I gave them a chance maybe I would become attracted to one of them. And then it dawned on me that I had survived for a whole year without a guy in my life and I had not only survived, but I had also prospered."

"As a result of the year I had spent without a guy in my life," explains Violet, "I learned a great deal about myself and liked myself a lot better - and so did the guys!"

This knowledge gave Violet the encouragement to break the job rebound merry-go-round, too.

Rather than demeaning herself sending out her resume to hundreds of employers, Violet decided to allow the universe to work its magic.

"The trouble with looking hard for anything," says Violet, "is that you will find something, eventually, but what you find is not necessarily going to be right for you or better than what you previously had."

"I put myself into voluntary limbo rather than ending up there through a series of awful experiences," explains Violet.

"It's the only way to break the rebound pattern," says Violet, "and I agree that it's not a very productive way to pass time but it's vitally necessary."

"I'm not at a cross-road, where I can turn left, right, straight ahead or turn around and go back," explains Violet. "Instead, I'm parked on an island in a roundabout with everyone going around nicely, knowing where they are going, and I'm just sitting here, not exactly unhappy or uncomfortable on the island, but knowing that I, too, will one day be going around nicely, knowing where I am going."

"I take heart in the knowledge that I will get a green light when I am ready for it," explains Violet. "Jumping from job to job or from man to man is not how I want to live my life."

"One thing about this self-imposed island I've put myself on," confides Violet. "is the fact that it is a place where I am required to relinquish dreams that have no substance in reality. Getting real, coming to terms with reality may be unpleasant, but ultimately it is going to be a positive experience."
Violet explains that there are some things in life you can just get on with, just get out there and do, the signs are green the whole way; but there are other things in life, not always the big ones, that take a lot of time to work out.

"In order to break the rebound principle," says Violet, "you've got to put yourself in a place where you can both give up dreams, and find them."

"Dreams are often illusions, things we hang onto that do not serve us, that hold us back from other more important things, that cause us to bash our heads against brick walls time and time again," says Violet.

"I once had dreams about the perfect guy. Now I don't. I'm now getting rid of the dreams I once had about the perfect job. On my little island, I am giving myself an opportunity to see reality."

"I am aware too," says Violet, "that this little island could very well be the place where dreams come true, without any effort whatsoever."

Violet has never held the belief that if something is worth having it is worth killing yourself for.

"Something is either yours by the blessing of the universe, or it's not," says Violet. "No amount of blood, sweat and tears will get you what is not meant to be yours, and if you do attain it, it will not necessarily bring the happiness that you expected."

"I may not be climbing that corporate ladder or making a million bucks on some wonderful idea I want to market," says Violet, "but I am doing something that is important for my growth. By standing still, observing, doing nothing, I am replenishing myself."

Violet maintains that a lot of people spend major parts of their lives in some sort of limbo island -- between guys or jobs -- and feel quite happy there. Getting somewhere and coming back take a lot of energy, standing still hardly any.

However, Violet doesn't intend staying on her limbo island forever without playing an active part in her future. She is paying a lot of attention to what goes on around her and inside her. She is acutely alert. She is speaking to a lot of people about the opportunities out there. She is doing a lot of reading to find out what options she has. She is waiting for a sign, from within or without, to guide her on the right path. She has a great deal of faith not only in her abilities but also in the universe's ability to take care of her.

"I just know that a wonderful job and a wonderful guy are out there," confides Violet, "and by breaking the rebound principle and I am preparing myself for them."