voluntary limbo

Violet is 29, single and currently between jobs and men. She shares her apartment with a variety of young women who come and go according to whether or not they've got a man or a job.

"I own my apartment so I'm luckier than most single women my age," says Violet. "If nothing else in my life is going right, I still have my apartment. What with good guys and good jobs being hard to find, and keep, I find enormous comfort in knowing that I've always got a home I can depend upon to be there for me no matter what."

Violet sees a great deal of similarity between jobs and relationships.

"I've done it myself and I've seen countless young women do it, too," confides Violet. "We bounce from job to job on the rebound just like we do in relationships."

"Jumping into a new job or a new relationship after we lose a job or a guy is acting on the rebound principle," laughs Violet, "and it's so silly, it really is."

"We think that any job or any guy is better than being unemployed or without a guy in our lives," says Violet, "but jumping into another job or another relationship is not the solution. Often, acting on the rebound lands us in a pan and fire situation."

"I broke the rebound guy pattern by deliberately going into hibernation to get my act together," says Violet.

"I had experienced so much heartache first hand, and second hand through all the young women who've shared my apartment, that I made up my mind to sort myself out," explains Violet. "I took advantage of a between jobs situation to assess what I had been doing wrong."

After Violet's third relationship had ended badly, she did what she had done previously. She went out looking for a new love but this time she did not find another one within a few months. She then joined a singles club and a online dating service.

"During that period I must have gathered the names of at least a hundred men," says Violet. "Some of them I agreed to meet, but none of them appealed to me. This situation continued for more than a year - at the end of which I started to panic."

"I felt that I had to have a man in my life, that without a guy to date I had no identity, no femininity, no worth as a woman," confides Violet.

"In desperation I started looking at men I had previously rejected and wondered whether if I gave them a chance maybe I would become attracted to one of them. And then it dawned on me that I had survived for a whole year without a guy in my life and I had not only survived, but I had also prospered."

"As a result of the year I had spent without a guy in my life," explains Violet, "I learned a great deal about myself and liked myself a lot better - and so did the guys!"

This knowledge gave Violet the encouragement to break the job rebound merry-go-round, too.

Rather than demeaning herself sending out her resume to hundreds of employers, Violet decided to allow the universe to work its magic.

"The trouble with looking hard for anything," says Violet, "is that you will find something, eventually, but what you find is not necessarily going to be right for you or better than what you previously had."

"I put myself into voluntary limbo rather than ending up there through a series of awful experiences," explains Violet.

"It's the only way to break the rebound pattern," says Violet, "and I agree that it's not a very productive way to pass time but it's vitally necessary."

"I'm not at a cross-road, where I can turn left, right, straight ahead or turn around and go back," explains Violet. "Instead, I'm parked on an island in a roundabout with everyone going around nicely, knowing where they are going, and I'm just sitting here, not exactly unhappy or uncomfortable on the island, but knowing that I, too, will one day be going around nicely, knowing where I am going."

"I take heart in the knowledge that I will get a green light when I am ready for it," explains Violet. "Jumping from job to job or from man to man is not how I want to live my life."

"One thing about this self-imposed island I've put myself on," confides Violet. "is the fact that it is a place where I am required to relinquish dreams that have no substance in reality. Getting real, coming to terms with reality may be unpleasant, but ultimately it is going to be a positive experience."
Violet explains that there are some things in life you can just get on with, just get out there and do, the signs are green the whole way; but there are other things in life, not always the big ones, that take a lot of time to work out.

"In order to break the rebound principle," says Violet, "you've got to put yourself in a place where you can both give up dreams, and find them."

"Dreams are often illusions, things we hang onto that do not serve us, that hold us back from other more important things, that cause us to bash our heads against brick walls time and time again," says Violet.

"I once had dreams about the perfect guy. Now I don't. I'm now getting rid of the dreams I once had about the perfect job. On my little island, I am giving myself an opportunity to see reality."

"I am aware too," says Violet, "that this little island could very well be the place where dreams come true, without any effort whatsoever."

Violet has never held the belief that if something is worth having it is worth killing yourself for.

"Something is either yours by the blessing of the universe, or it's not," says Violet. "No amount of blood, sweat and tears will get you what is not meant to be yours, and if you do attain it, it will not necessarily bring the happiness that you expected."

"I may not be climbing that corporate ladder or making a million bucks on some wonderful idea I want to market," says Violet, "but I am doing something that is important for my growth. By standing still, observing, doing nothing, I am replenishing myself."

Violet maintains that a lot of people spend major parts of their lives in some sort of limbo island -- between guys or jobs -- and feel quite happy there. Getting somewhere and coming back take a lot of energy, standing still hardly any.

However, Violet doesn't intend staying on her limbo island forever without playing an active part in her future. She is paying a lot of attention to what goes on around her and inside her. She is acutely alert. She is speaking to a lot of people about the opportunities out there. She is doing a lot of reading to find out what options she has. She is waiting for a sign, from within or without, to guide her on the right path. She has a great deal of faith not only in her abilities but also in the universe's ability to take care of her.

"I just know that a wonderful job and a wonderful guy are out there," confides Violet, "and by breaking the rebound principle and I am preparing myself for them."

clean sweeps

Isolde is 36 and every time a relationship breaks up she has a clean out - throwing out everything that could possibly remind her of her ex lover. So far, she has had three clean sweeps but she claims, like the song by Naked Eyes, that there is Always Something There to Remind Me.

"I have a clean out when a relationship breaks up because it gives me something to do - something to expend my anger and energy on," explains Isolde, "and it's also a cleansing procedure - like in Feng Shui."

"When you end a relationship and start a new life you don't want to be carrying any baggage with you," says Isolde, "and getting rid of all the tangible reminders of an ex-lover goes a long way to helping me get rid of the emotional baggage, too."

"But as much as I try to get rid of everything that once belonged to an ex-lover - or would remind me of him," sighs Isolde, "the song comes back to bite me. There is always something I forget that turns up days, weeks, months or years later to bring the pain back."

"My first clean out was a mammoth job because we had been living together for seven years - and he just left me one day, just like that, to face all of his stuff in my apartment."

"I was so angry that I stayed up all night removing all of his things from my place."

"I dumped all his stuff outside the apartment - near the street - and at 5am I left a message for him, telling him where it was and warning him to pick it up immediately before it got stolen."

"I went straight to work after that -without any sleep - and when I returned home that night everything was gone!" laughs Isolde. "It was the most freeing experience for me."

"In the following weeks I started feeling sick because I was still sleeping on the bed we had once shared - using the sheets, towels, crockery and all the other little things that reminded me of him," says Isolde.

"At that time, I couldn't afford to buy new things," explains Isolde, "but when my second relationship ended I went to town with the clean up and bought a new bed and replaced all of my bathroom and kitchen stuff."

"I got over my second lover pretty quickly," laughs Isolde. "Having a new bed, new sheets and stuff really helped. But what remained of him was a book that sat on my bookshelf like a bad smell for a year before I realized it was one of his."

"My third relationship bust up was terribly painful," confides Isolde. "This time around I just didn't want to stay in the same apartment any more. I not only got rid of everything that reminded me of him, but I also physically moved out of the place."

"I was in a terrible state when the relationship broke up and just wanted to get out of that place as fast as I could - taking absolutely nothing with me except for my clothes and personal papers."

"I called in at the Goodwill store, gave them a key, and told them to take everything," laughs Isolde. "I'm sure they must have thought I was stark raving mad - but I was doing what I knew would work for me."

"I lost a lot of money on changing apartments and buying everything new," confides Isolde, "but I gained peace of mind - and that was priceless."

"Three months later I went through my personal papers box and found a photograph of him!" laughs Isolde. "By that time, I was almost over him - not as angry as I once was - and I decided to keep the photo."

"If there is always going to be something there to remind me then maybe I should deliberately keep something to remind me!"

Isolde's story first appeared as always something there to remind me

a mouse turns forty

For four years prior to her 40th birthday Mandy had been languishing over the loss of a man she had lavished the prime of her life upon and had hoped to marry. Feeling sorry for her, an old male friend treated Mandy to a birthday lunch at a top restaurant and he could not believe his eyes when he came to pick her up.

She had transformed from Mandy the Mouse into Mandy the Magnificent!

"I looked stunning and heads turned as I walked into the restaurant," laughs Mandy.

"Believe it or not but I was wearing an old dress and a fake Rolex but it wasn't my clothes and jewelry people were looking at - and admiring - it was my style, my radiance and my freshness."

"No amount of money could buy that look, " says Mandy, "and do you want to know how I achieved it?"

“I made my mind up that day to forget Jordan,” explains Mandy. “I’d made up my mind to forget him millions of times before, but turning the magic 40 really did the trick. I not only swore off Jordan, but the whole idea of love and marriage and, of course, babies."

"I actually felt different that day. I felt strangely strong and powerful. I didn’t wear anything different, or do my hair differently, but I felt different."

"I had no idea that I looked different until I saw the effect I was having on other people." laughs Mandy. "It was really heady stuff!”

Almost immediately upon turning 40 and deciding that she no longer wanted marriage or a man in her life, Mandy the Mouse's life changed dramatically.

She gained a confidence that nobody had seen in her before, least of all Mandy herself. She had always been a mouse. She even squeaked like a mouse when she talked.

Now, she radiated with confidence and spoke with full throttle from her lungs.

“I had always been afraid of public speaking,” confides Mandy, “but for some strange reason I had an incredible desire to command attention so I enrolled in a public speaking class and gave two lectures. Everyone hung on to every word I said and I couldn’t believe that it was me up there at the rostrum spouting on about politics and economics."

"One guy said I was so good that he suggested I should join a political party and run for office, but honestly I was having so much fun that I didn’t want to spoil it by getting out of my depth.”

With every head that turned in admiration that year, Mandy gained an inch more in stature and arrogance. She was a queen in every respect. She ordered people to do this and that for her, and they bowed to her every whim. She had more admirers that year than she previously had in her whole life, but she treated them all with utter distain as befitting her new persona.

“I had vowed on my 40th birthday that I was never going to play second fiddle to a man again,” confides Mandy, “and I meant it."

"I can’t believe that I wasted four years of my life being treated like a doormat by Jordan, and then another four years of my life moping about him after he dumped me.”

At 40, Mandy the Magnificent didn’t pull punches. She commanded respect.

In keeping with her new image she gradually disposed of every single thing that reminded her of Jordan and the old Mandy the Mouse identity.

"I had four garage sales that year and with the proceeds I did something remarkable," says Mandy. "I got a portrait painted."

“I never had as much as a photograph of myself taken as a baby,” explains Mandy. “I felt so beautiful that year and I wanted to remember that feeling forever.”

With the change of image Mandy made the social pages in local publications and she even appeared in an international publication - an event that sparked letters and calls from people she hadn’t heard from for years.

Before the end of the year, she had also moved on to a dream job. It was all happening for her.

Old friends who remembered Mandy the Mouse were becoming seriously envious, but Mandy was far too busy enjoying being the center of attention to notice.

In the twelfth month of her Year of Magnificence Mandy asked an old friend an outlandish favor and it was quite rightly refused.

"The year was drawing to a close," explains Mandy, "I guess I was losing my 'magnificence' and in a fit of uncharacteristic pique I excommunicated not only the person who refused my favor but also several other old friends."

Mandy had become so obsessed with ego gratification, believing herself to be a queen with rights to chop off people's heads if they displeased her, that she alienated the very people she needed to nurture her through her final break from Jordan.

“You know that old adage about being careful who you tread on when you’re climbing up the ladder because you’ll meet them on the way down?” asks Mandy. “Well, I started to meet them all before the end of the year and I’m really sorry now that I got so carried away."

"Honestly, though," says Mandy, "if there were one age I could live over again and again it would be 40 - even if it meant that people would get hurt. It was worth it to get Jordan out of my system."

"It was a year of pure magic and yes, I kept to my word. I never gave Jordan a second thought - except perhaps to wonder what on earth I ever saw in him to start off with."

"I now enjoy casual dating - without commitment or anything heavy,” says Mandy, "and I'm doing well in my career. I've lost that first flush of 'magnificence' that comes from breaking ties with a lost cause, but I'm a long, long way from being the mouse that I once was."

(Mandy's story first appeared as ms mouse to ms magnificent and is reprinted with permission.)