do self-help books trump friends?

For all of her life Ruth, 35, has been dominated by a tyrannical mother – which whom she lives as a caregiver – and for the past fifteen years all of her social life was gained through her work, but she has no friends or community support and now that she has lost her job she relies more heavily than ever on self-help books for support, claiming that the authors of these books trump friends because they ‘give’ not ‘take’, and never victimize her as others have done.

“My mother always told me that I’m stupid and ugly and I should always defer to my betters – meaning her, particularly, of course,” says Ruth, “and I’ve never been able to make friends because I tend to arouse in others a desire to feed off my weakness – which is exactly what happened when my manager at work victimized me.”

“All of my life people have ‘taken’ from me without giving me any sort of acknowledgement,” says Ruth, “and I’ve learned from these books that unsupportive people like my mother have a vested interest in keeping victims like me in a state of helplessness.

“I can see how my mother and my ex-manager derive power from my vulnerability – the more I sink into misery, the higher they rise,” explains Ruth. “It’s as if people only get to know me because they want to hurt me in order to make themselves feel better.”

“The inappropriate childhood socialization my mother subjected me to has adversely affected my dealings with everyone,” confides Ruth. “In the past, whenever I’ve been in a vulnerable situation – meeting new people or dealing with an unexpected illness, a legal problem, a work problem or even some disaster on the home front – I’ve always tended to attract people who are least likely to help me, often causing me more heartache than the problem I had to start off with.”

“That’s the sort of people I attract and that’s why I have no friends,” explains Ruth. “I prefer to spend my time with the authors of good books, especially self-help books, because they give me all the spiritual nourishment I need and never victimize me.”

Read more of Ruth’s story:

suicidal caregiver
self-help books boost survival
between job vulnerability
daughter raised to take care of mom
victimized then fired

voluntary limbo

Violet is 29, single and currently between jobs and men. She shares her apartment with a variety of young women who come and go according to whether or not they've got a man or a job.

"I own my apartment so I'm luckier than most single women my age," says Violet. "If nothing else in my life is going right, I still have my apartment. What with good guys and good jobs being hard to find, and keep, I find enormous comfort in knowing that I've always got a home I can depend upon to be there for me no matter what."

Violet sees a great deal of similarity between jobs and relationships.

"I've done it myself and I've seen countless young women do it, too," confides Violet. "We bounce from job to job on the rebound just like we do in relationships."

"Jumping into a new job or a new relationship after we lose a job or a guy is acting on the rebound principle," laughs Violet, "and it's so silly, it really is."

"We think that any job or any guy is better than being unemployed or without a guy in our lives," says Violet, "but jumping into another job or another relationship is not the solution. Often, acting on the rebound lands us in a pan and fire situation."

"I broke the rebound guy pattern by deliberately going into hibernation to get my act together," says Violet.

"I had experienced so much heartache first hand, and second hand through all the young women who've shared my apartment, that I made up my mind to sort myself out," explains Violet. "I took advantage of a between jobs situation to assess what I had been doing wrong."

After Violet's third relationship had ended badly, she did what she had done previously. She went out looking for a new love but this time she did not find another one within a few months. She then joined a singles club and a online dating service.

"During that period I must have gathered the names of at least a hundred men," says Violet. "Some of them I agreed to meet, but none of them appealed to me. This situation continued for more than a year - at the end of which I started to panic."

"I felt that I had to have a man in my life, that without a guy to date I had no identity, no femininity, no worth as a woman," confides Violet.

"In desperation I started looking at men I had previously rejected and wondered whether if I gave them a chance maybe I would become attracted to one of them. And then it dawned on me that I had survived for a whole year without a guy in my life and I had not only survived, but I had also prospered."

"As a result of the year I had spent without a guy in my life," explains Violet, "I learned a great deal about myself and liked myself a lot better - and so did the guys!"

This knowledge gave Violet the encouragement to break the job rebound merry-go-round, too.

Rather than demeaning herself sending out her resume to hundreds of employers, Violet decided to allow the universe to work its magic.

"The trouble with looking hard for anything," says Violet, "is that you will find something, eventually, but what you find is not necessarily going to be right for you or better than what you previously had."

"I put myself into voluntary limbo rather than ending up there through a series of awful experiences," explains Violet.

"It's the only way to break the rebound pattern," says Violet, "and I agree that it's not a very productive way to pass time but it's vitally necessary."

"I'm not at a cross-road, where I can turn left, right, straight ahead or turn around and go back," explains Violet. "Instead, I'm parked on an island in a roundabout with everyone going around nicely, knowing where they are going, and I'm just sitting here, not exactly unhappy or uncomfortable on the island, but knowing that I, too, will one day be going around nicely, knowing where I am going."

"I take heart in the knowledge that I will get a green light when I am ready for it," explains Violet. "Jumping from job to job or from man to man is not how I want to live my life."

"One thing about this self-imposed island I've put myself on," confides Violet. "is the fact that it is a place where I am required to relinquish dreams that have no substance in reality. Getting real, coming to terms with reality may be unpleasant, but ultimately it is going to be a positive experience."
Violet explains that there are some things in life you can just get on with, just get out there and do, the signs are green the whole way; but there are other things in life, not always the big ones, that take a lot of time to work out.

"In order to break the rebound principle," says Violet, "you've got to put yourself in a place where you can both give up dreams, and find them."

"Dreams are often illusions, things we hang onto that do not serve us, that hold us back from other more important things, that cause us to bash our heads against brick walls time and time again," says Violet.

"I once had dreams about the perfect guy. Now I don't. I'm now getting rid of the dreams I once had about the perfect job. On my little island, I am giving myself an opportunity to see reality."

"I am aware too," says Violet, "that this little island could very well be the place where dreams come true, without any effort whatsoever."

Violet has never held the belief that if something is worth having it is worth killing yourself for.

"Something is either yours by the blessing of the universe, or it's not," says Violet. "No amount of blood, sweat and tears will get you what is not meant to be yours, and if you do attain it, it will not necessarily bring the happiness that you expected."

"I may not be climbing that corporate ladder or making a million bucks on some wonderful idea I want to market," says Violet, "but I am doing something that is important for my growth. By standing still, observing, doing nothing, I am replenishing myself."

Violet maintains that a lot of people spend major parts of their lives in some sort of limbo island -- between guys or jobs -- and feel quite happy there. Getting somewhere and coming back take a lot of energy, standing still hardly any.

However, Violet doesn't intend staying on her limbo island forever without playing an active part in her future. She is paying a lot of attention to what goes on around her and inside her. She is acutely alert. She is speaking to a lot of people about the opportunities out there. She is doing a lot of reading to find out what options she has. She is waiting for a sign, from within or without, to guide her on the right path. She has a great deal of faith not only in her abilities but also in the universe's ability to take care of her.

"I just know that a wonderful job and a wonderful guy are out there," confides Violet, "and by breaking the rebound principle and I am preparing myself for them."

new direction after job loss

Donna is single, 36, and was absolutely dedicated to her job, but when profits slacked her employer showed no remorse about getting rid of her.

"I had put my all into the company," explains Donna "my job was far more important to me than a relationship so when the company I worked for laid me off I was thrown into panic."

"More than anyone else I have my mother to thank for getting me through this period," says Donna. "She gave me a wonderful book that I read from cover to cover."

"That book was Dr Kubler-Ross's Death and Dying," confides Donna "and don't let it's title put you off because the five stages of loss recovery outlined by Dr Kubler-Ross can be successfully applied to any loss."

"The five stages of loss recovery are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance," adds Donna, "and rather than the rational and often brutal way that society expects us to cope with job loss - pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there and get yourself another job - I was really helped by the spiritual approach of the Kubler-Ross recovery guide."

"Loss of a job and the security of employment," says Donna, "are factors up there on the stress scales with divorce so if, at the same time as losing a job, you suffer another life crisis then you risk the potential of developing a serious illness."

"When we are vulnerable all manner of misfortunes can happen to us - often in threes," explains Donna, "and while others may try to cajole us into finding a new job before we have had a chance to recover we need to understand that starting a new job is also a stressful experience and as such might tip our stress scales towards illness."

"When you’ve lost your job," says Donna, "you've already experienced a shock to your system. You don’t need another one. And I avoided further stress by staying at home and taking care of myself spiritually."

Donna is applying the Kubler-Ross five-stage recovery process very successfully to her recent job loss.

"The more you practice the process in small ways in your life," explains Donna, "such as losing your wallet or keys, or getting stuck in traffic, or whatever, the easier you’ll be able to cope when the big crises hit."

"My reaction when I heard I had lost my job was total disbelief and denial," says Donna. "It was so typical of the denial stage of the recovery process"

"Sure, there had been some talk and a few signs of trouble, but this must be a mistake. They would not fire me! I have been a loyal employee with the company for many years! I am indispensable! And on and on I went, refusing to believe that I have been axed."

"Some people," says Donna, "take a long time to get out of the denial stage. We have all read stories about people who get dressed and go to work as normal, though sitting in a park all day long, for considerable lengths of time after being laid-off. These people are unable to open up their feelings to those around them. Or they don’t have anyone to talk to."

To avoid staying in denial for longer than necessary, Donna believes that it is imperative to talk to someone about what has happened to you.

"You need to be among your own kind," says Donna, "and in an environment where there is no pressure to get out of denial before you are ready to do so."

"The anger stage of the recovery process was really big for me," confesses Donna. "When it finally sunk in that I was jobless an overwhelming feeling of anger and resentment built up."

"This is natural," says Donna. "Don’t fight it. Just let it happen. You have every right to be angry. No matter how long you had been with the company that laid you off, the anger is just as valid, just as strong."

"Companies these days demand more of one's time, energy and commitment than ever before and yet lack the generosity and reciprocity that once was part of the employer-employee social contract," explains Donna. "Get angry with them!"

Donna says that there may be intense anger towards the company - or the manager who fired you - and sometimes a great deal of resentment at co-workers who remain with the company.

"I found myself thinking: I am better than they are. I deserve better," says Donna. "I had been there longer than they had, and I was consumed with anger by all the inequities and betrayals of the firing."

"During the anger phase," says Donna, "you may be tempted to expose your former employer in a stinking letter to the press, or you may behave in some other well-documented disgruntled ex-employee manner. Try to resist the temptation. Believe it or not, but the anger does dissipate."

"The bargaining stage of the recovery process is one that not all of us go through," explains Donna, "or go through in the same manner. It differs according to the circumstances."

"If you have heard that the company is re-hiring on a contract basis," says Donna, "you might want to get re-instated. You might want to take the matter to court, not in anger but in defense of what you perceive as being your right to the job you lost. You believe you have some bargaining power, that all is not lost."

"You might try to involve a third party into negotiating for you," adds Donna. "You might accept another job on the rebound - just to show them how good you really are and how stupid they were to fire you - with the underlying hope that they will want you back. This is very common in the separation process, from a job or from a partner."

"Basically," says Donna, "in the bargaining process we are still hanging on to the past, wanting to breathe life into something that is lost and gone forever. Sometimes it is the company that fired you that makes the first move to re-instate you. Hardly likely, but it is possible. Finally, you see the futility of it all."

"The depression stage of the recovery process is one that I'm still going through," sighs Donna. "I'm not talking about clinical depression here, but just plain sadness, misery and pessimism. People who jump back into the job-hunting scene before they are ready to present themselves at their best are prime candidates to fall into an abject pit of misery from which they may never recover after receiving a few rejections."

"Job hunting involves not just a few rejections," says Donna, "it involves hundreds, even thousands, and you've got to be strong in order to accept this sort of relentless rejection."

"I invested a great deal in my job," says Donna. "I actually took on a study course to improve my chances of promotion and now I’m left doing a course that I don’t particularly want to continue with. All of that time. All of that energy. All wasted. All gone. I've lost my working identity, my work colleagues and a familiar routine. All of these things are worthy of time spent in grief."

"I'm grappling with a sense of worthlessness," says Donna. "I feel that nobody will ever employ me again. I feel that I am too old, or too stupid, or too inexperienced or whatever for any employer to ever want to hire me again. It's a good feeling, strangely, so the depression stage is really healthy in the recovery process."

"My friends are scolding me for not getting out there and setting the world on fire," laughs Donna. "They mean well, they hate to see me so sad, but if I took their advice and started looking for another job during the depression phase I will end up in a dead-end job that will demoralize me even further."

"The next phase in the recovery process is acceptance," says Donna "and I'm looking forward to that day. Dr Kubler-Ross doesn't mean to imply that I will experience joy and happiness and brightness. Acceptance merely means that we have come to terms with loss and are neither angry nor sad any more. It is over. It is time to move on."

"It's only when we are in acceptance mode, only when we feel good and look good, that we should start thinking about a new direction," explains Donna, "and that makes good sense to me."

enabling or supportive parents?

Like thousands of people around the world, Camille, now 32, lost her job with a major airline company following the 9/11 tragedy. It was a double whammy for Camille as she was still grieving from the death of her fiancé, Joseph, the year previously.

Luckily, Camille had returned to live with her parents after Joseph’s death, so she has had their continuing support for both tragedies. But as the years rolled by and Camille didn't pick herself up, one must question whether her parents' support has merely 'enabled' her continuing grief and self-pity.

Camille calls herself a widow even though Joseph died before they had legalized their relationship. They had lived together for three years and were man and wife in every respect, bar a piece of paper. At first Camille wondered how she could ever live without Joseph, but with her parents’ support and the daily routine of her job she pulled through.

Camille had loved her job, it was exciting, it kept her mind off her grief and it promised to last the distance. Losing her job, her rock, sent her into a spin from which she has not yet recovered.

How we approach job loss seems to be dependent upon how much we liked our old job; how financially secure we are; and how emotionally secure we are. Camille's worth as a human being was not exactly determined by her job, but it was very much integral to her being -- it gave her a level of status that she desperately needed.

For status conscious women, like Camille, a week out of work means a week out of the social whirl associated with work, and a month out of work means social death.

For Camille, this social death quickly brought to the surface all of the pain she had suffered a year earlier following Joseph’s death.

"Of all friends," says Camille, "there are none so fickle as co-workers. Some may be willing to keep in touch with a fired colleague for as long as it takes for her to find a new job, but most will adopt an out of sight out of mind approach. The only friends from work who were still in contact with me a month after the firing were those in the same boat as myself. Those who still had jobs appeared not to want to know us any more."

Lurching into manic activity to find a new job can therefore indicate a lot more than financial insecurity. When people lose jobs they also lose status. Finding a new job quickly, though, was not an option for Camille. The entire airline industry was shattered by the events of 9/11.

Most people who lose jobs have at least three month's worth of savings or insurance to tide them over, and Camille was luckier than most in that money wasn’t a problem. She was an only child and her parents were only too happy to support her.

There is a great deal to gain from taking a rest between jobs - whether we liked our old job or not - but Camille’s rest took the form of a deep depression.

"First I lost Joseph," explains Camille, "then I lost my job and all the social whirl that went with it, and now all I do is sit home watching movies. It helps to numb the pain."

Most people benefit from a long break between jobs, but in Camille’s case it might have been better for her to have lurched into manic activity to find a new job. Any job, or indeed the job search process itself, would have given her a focus. Keeping busy was the way she successfully coped with Joseph’s death, and keeping busy doing anything could have helped her through job loss, too.

"If any other airline was hiring," explains Camille, "I would have applied for a new job, but the whole industry was laying off staff after 9/11."

Camille had the desire for a new job, but not the opportunity.

Rather than looking at a new direction -- some other type of job to train for -- Camille chose to sink into depression and dwell in the past. Her parents didn’t urge her to get out and about. They just let her be. Ordinarily, this type of behavior is very supportive, but in Camille’s case even a low status job could have helped her.

Like a rebound relationship, the rebound job is merely a transition, a bridge between what we had and what we want, and providing that both employer and employee are happy with the arrangement it can be a wonderful healer.

There's no right or wrong way to cope with job loss, or any sort of loss. It all depends on the individual, and it also depends on what the universe is throwing at us, too.

It’s hard to imagine sitting at home watching television and movies as a routine capable of pulling Camille through job loss in the same way that the routine of her job pulled her through Joseph’s death, but anything is possible.

Asked whether she had any friends other than those she had worked with, Camille replies in the negative.

"My whole life had revolved around Joseph and my job," explains Camille, "all of my friends were co-workers."

Asked whether she’s still receiving support from the co-workers who had been laid-off at the same time as her, Camille shrugs.

"Immediately after the lay-off we spoke on the telephone every day," explains Camille, "but as time wore on they got on with their lives and I never hear from them now."

It would appear that Camille’s most painful loss had been the social status and social whirl that went with her job. She feels totally cast off from everyone except her parents, but unfortunately there comes a time when 'support' becomes 'enabling' of a negative mindset and that's what Camille's parents fear they have done.

Another option for Camille, should she not want to find a transition job in another industry, is to do voluntary work - especially in an area where she could meet people worse off than herself.

Camille’s life experiences have indeed been very unlucky, yet she has supportive parents, no financial worries, excellent health and her future employment prospects are good. A lot of people lack all of these blessings and yet get back on track quickly -- so maybe Camille's blessings have been, in fact, a curse.

Ordinarly, it would be kind to assume that Camille will come to this conclusion herself, but after such a long period of time spent in grief and self-pity her parents really have a duty to stop 'enabling' this negativity and to start 'supporting' their daughter in a new direction.