the guy we want or the guy we need?
Tess and her best friend Briony are 18 and live at home with their parents. They left school last year and they're still looking for their first job - probably because they spent more time looking for a guy!
"Going to college didn’t interest us," says Tess, "and we're spending as much time finding a boyfriend to marry as we do looking for a job."
"We've used the Internet for both man hunting and job hunting," says Tess, "and we've had a lot more success meeting guys than getting job interviews!"
In looks and personality, Tess and Tess could be twins. Both are tall, blonde, slim, beautiful and fun loving. Their value systems, though, are poles apart.
Briony loves meeting new guys, but Tess came to her senses after six months of dating countless guys.
"Their faces became a blur to me," confides Tess. "My job search activities and my general well-being were suffering."
"At weekends, when I should have been relaxing and catching up with chores, I was running from date to date, sometimes meeting two guys in a day."
Finally, at the end of six months Tess decided that enough was enough. She was over-exposed and bumping into guys she had already met!
"When I became fed up looking and got on with my life," explains Tess, "someone quite wonderful came along who - on a scale of 1 to 10 in my now torn-up desirable attribute list - was a ‘1’."
"Had I met William when I was man hunting," admits Tess, "I would have rejected him outright. I would not have bothered meeting him. And guess what, we're going to be married within a year!"
Tess hopes to find a job within the same time frame by tearing up her desirable job attribute list.
"Both Briony and I started off with lists of desirable qualities for the job as well as the husband we wanted," explains Tess, "and we would reject jobs and guys outright if they did not come up to scratch."
"When you are not out there looking for a ‘10’ guy," says Tess, "you're willing to take guys as they are, treat them as human beings and allow their inner beauty and strengths to shine through."
"William may not be much to look at," says Tess, "but he has a heart of gold and he adores me. I’m a lucky girl!"
Tess’s attitude change was in keeping with her core values, but spending so much time with Briony had blurred her vision.
"I believe that we have zilch chance of finding exactly what we want," says Tess, "but if we are truly serious about finding a job or a husband we will ultimately find exactly what we need and it is quite likely to be as far removed from our ideal as chalk is to cheese."
The distinction between wants and needs fascinates Tess.
"Like Briony, I wanted a top job, a perfect mate, a big house, a fast car, and all the good things," explains Tess, "yet if we really needed any of those things we would die without them."
Tess explains that she did not need someone who was a perfect "10". She simply needed someone to love and be loved by. And no, she was not selling herself short or settling for second best.
"When you get what you need," says Tess, "your wants pale into insignificance. William is priceless!"
So, Tess is now looking for what she needs in a job rather than what she wants.
Briony differs from Tess in that she remains choosy. She still uses a 1-10 attribute list for guys and jobs, and won’t settle for less than a ‘10’. Also, Briony has very rich parents who give her unlimited funds and are in no hurry for her to find work or get married.
"In holding out for the perfect job and the perfect partner, " confides Tess, "I believe Briony enjoys the search so much that no job or no man will ever be good enough for her. She has already had a few interviews and rejected a good job offer."
"Briony always does better at interviews than I do because she doesn’t really need a job," says Tess. "She's not short of money and her parents aren't pressing her to get a job. But that doesn’t mean to say that Briony doesn’t want a job. She does, but it has to be something really, really special."
"For Briony I think the traveling is always going to be more fun than the destination," confides Tess. "I worry that she enjoys the excitement of dating and job interviews so much that she is unlikely to find the right man or the right job."
"I guess she needs this excitement more than she needs a job or a guy, and she merely wants a top guy and a top job."
So, how do we differentiate between wants and needs?
"For everyone it is going to be different," says Tess, "but basically we all know, deep down, that our wants are those that we have zilch chance of attaining."
If you are still having trouble discerning the difference then Tess suggests that you say to yourself: "Would I really die if a guy or a job did not offer me [insert appropriate attribute]."
Tess’s rock bottom line for a job is ‘sufficient money to pay the bills’. However, she admits that this is like having ‘someone of the opposite sex’ as a rock bottom line for a guy.
"In other words," says Tess, "a job that pays sufficient money to pay the bills is as easy to find as someone of the opposite sex. Roughly fifty percent of jobs and people are going to fall into that category!"
"A better bottom line for both guys and jobs," explains Tess, "is one that supports our needs."
Tess needs someone to love and be loved by, and that is her bottom line for a guy.
She needs a job that is supportive of her happiness, wellbeing and human rights, and that is her bottom line for a job.
"That type of job is only difficult to find," explains Tess, "because too many of us place too much emphasis on our wants (top job, top money, top location, etc) and not enough on our needs."
"Just like the perfect Mister we ultimately end up with," says Tess, "the job we need may rate ‘1’ on a scale of 1 to 10 but as long as we look for a job with a rating of ‘10’ we will miss that perfect job completely. I'm sure that the same magic that conjured up William will soon conjure up the right job for me."
Tess is upset, though, that Briony doesn’t think that William is good enough for her.
"She thinks I could have done a lot better than William," sighs Tess, "and, yes, I know she's judging William by her standards but I always thought that Briony would be happy for me no matter what."
A man often breaks up a friendship between two girls, and this seems to be the case with William.
"Briony is going to be the matron of honor at my wedding," says Tess, "but our friendship has changed so much already that I doubt whether I’ll be seeing much of her once I'm married. I really don't want to hear any more of her man hunting exploits. The whole thing was an embarrassment I'd rather put behind me."
"Going to college didn’t interest us," says Tess, "and we're spending as much time finding a boyfriend to marry as we do looking for a job."
"We've used the Internet for both man hunting and job hunting," says Tess, "and we've had a lot more success meeting guys than getting job interviews!"
In looks and personality, Tess and Tess could be twins. Both are tall, blonde, slim, beautiful and fun loving. Their value systems, though, are poles apart.
Briony loves meeting new guys, but Tess came to her senses after six months of dating countless guys.
"Their faces became a blur to me," confides Tess. "My job search activities and my general well-being were suffering."
"At weekends, when I should have been relaxing and catching up with chores, I was running from date to date, sometimes meeting two guys in a day."
Finally, at the end of six months Tess decided that enough was enough. She was over-exposed and bumping into guys she had already met!
"When I became fed up looking and got on with my life," explains Tess, "someone quite wonderful came along who - on a scale of 1 to 10 in my now torn-up desirable attribute list - was a ‘1’."
"Had I met William when I was man hunting," admits Tess, "I would have rejected him outright. I would not have bothered meeting him. And guess what, we're going to be married within a year!"
Tess hopes to find a job within the same time frame by tearing up her desirable job attribute list.
"Both Briony and I started off with lists of desirable qualities for the job as well as the husband we wanted," explains Tess, "and we would reject jobs and guys outright if they did not come up to scratch."
"When you are not out there looking for a ‘10’ guy," says Tess, "you're willing to take guys as they are, treat them as human beings and allow their inner beauty and strengths to shine through."
"William may not be much to look at," says Tess, "but he has a heart of gold and he adores me. I’m a lucky girl!"
Tess’s attitude change was in keeping with her core values, but spending so much time with Briony had blurred her vision.
"I believe that we have zilch chance of finding exactly what we want," says Tess, "but if we are truly serious about finding a job or a husband we will ultimately find exactly what we need and it is quite likely to be as far removed from our ideal as chalk is to cheese."
The distinction between wants and needs fascinates Tess.
"Like Briony, I wanted a top job, a perfect mate, a big house, a fast car, and all the good things," explains Tess, "yet if we really needed any of those things we would die without them."
Tess explains that she did not need someone who was a perfect "10". She simply needed someone to love and be loved by. And no, she was not selling herself short or settling for second best.
"When you get what you need," says Tess, "your wants pale into insignificance. William is priceless!"
So, Tess is now looking for what she needs in a job rather than what she wants.
Briony differs from Tess in that she remains choosy. She still uses a 1-10 attribute list for guys and jobs, and won’t settle for less than a ‘10’. Also, Briony has very rich parents who give her unlimited funds and are in no hurry for her to find work or get married.
"In holding out for the perfect job and the perfect partner, " confides Tess, "I believe Briony enjoys the search so much that no job or no man will ever be good enough for her. She has already had a few interviews and rejected a good job offer."
"Briony always does better at interviews than I do because she doesn’t really need a job," says Tess. "She's not short of money and her parents aren't pressing her to get a job. But that doesn’t mean to say that Briony doesn’t want a job. She does, but it has to be something really, really special."
"For Briony I think the traveling is always going to be more fun than the destination," confides Tess. "I worry that she enjoys the excitement of dating and job interviews so much that she is unlikely to find the right man or the right job."
"I guess she needs this excitement more than she needs a job or a guy, and she merely wants a top guy and a top job."
So, how do we differentiate between wants and needs?
"For everyone it is going to be different," says Tess, "but basically we all know, deep down, that our wants are those that we have zilch chance of attaining."
If you are still having trouble discerning the difference then Tess suggests that you say to yourself: "Would I really die if a guy or a job did not offer me [insert appropriate attribute]."
Tess’s rock bottom line for a job is ‘sufficient money to pay the bills’. However, she admits that this is like having ‘someone of the opposite sex’ as a rock bottom line for a guy.
"In other words," says Tess, "a job that pays sufficient money to pay the bills is as easy to find as someone of the opposite sex. Roughly fifty percent of jobs and people are going to fall into that category!"
"A better bottom line for both guys and jobs," explains Tess, "is one that supports our needs."
Tess needs someone to love and be loved by, and that is her bottom line for a guy.
She needs a job that is supportive of her happiness, wellbeing and human rights, and that is her bottom line for a job.
"That type of job is only difficult to find," explains Tess, "because too many of us place too much emphasis on our wants (top job, top money, top location, etc) and not enough on our needs."
"Just like the perfect Mister we ultimately end up with," says Tess, "the job we need may rate ‘1’ on a scale of 1 to 10 but as long as we look for a job with a rating of ‘10’ we will miss that perfect job completely. I'm sure that the same magic that conjured up William will soon conjure up the right job for me."
Tess is upset, though, that Briony doesn’t think that William is good enough for her.
"She thinks I could have done a lot better than William," sighs Tess, "and, yes, I know she's judging William by her standards but I always thought that Briony would be happy for me no matter what."
A man often breaks up a friendship between two girls, and this seems to be the case with William.
"Briony is going to be the matron of honor at my wedding," says Tess, "but our friendship has changed so much already that I doubt whether I’ll be seeing much of her once I'm married. I really don't want to hear any more of her man hunting exploits. The whole thing was an embarrassment I'd rather put behind me."
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