abortion or welfare?

When Amanda fell pregnant at the age of 16, her mother presented her with two options – have an abortion and get on with your life, or have the baby and end up on welfare – and the direction Amanda took was not the easiest one, but the one that gave her a purpose to life that she didn’t have before.

“Most of the help I received from welfare was geared towards getting me off payments and into casual work, without any consideration of who was going to look after my baby,” says Amanda. “It was heart-wrenching, but not as heart-wrenching as having an abortion would have been.”

“Even though I went back to school and gained qualifications, I’m realistic enough to know that a succession of casual, menial jobs is going to be the pattern of my life while I am raising my daughter, because she comes first,” says Amanda. “I’m not complaining, but because my circumstances are going to be miserable, I worry about presenting my daughter with these two options at some time in her life.”

"If my daughter falls pregnant before she is married and has a partner to take care of her," explains Amanda, "I will be in the same circumstances as my mother, and her options will be the same that I had, and that sucks.”

“Have an abortion or become a welfare mom?" sighs Amanda. “These are the only options open to a girl from a poverty stricken background and they are both pathetic directions for a young girl facing such a life-changing event.”

Read more about Amanda’s story:

bleak future on welfare

a wasted education?

burdens and blessings

a child raising a child

I didn't know I was pregnant!

health problems of welfare moms

Cancerians, motherly types?

gaining strength

Irene is gaining strength now that her children have left home and she is freed from them and constant reminders of their father - whom she divorced many years ago. She is taking a new direction in life and blossoming into a remarkable independent woman.

She believes that there is only one person in life we can change with absolute certainty, and have total control over, and that's ourselves.

In the past, Irene was often forced by her circumstances to give others power over her, rendering her a servant to someone else, but these days she is reclaiming her power.

"Given my life all over again," confides Irene, "I would never marry or have children. I cannot see how any woman in a marital or mothering situation can be a true master of her own life. Wives and mothers may claim to be in charge of their lives, but they're only fooling themselves - as I did."

Married women, and mothers, according to Irene, are either overt or covert doormats.

"How can a woman be independent and a master of her life when she is subservient to others, at their beck and call or emotionally tied to them?"

"The worst possible scenario for a woman," says Irene, "is to be stuck in dead-end relationships, or abused and dominated by toxic families. And millions of women around the world live like this."

Although Irene’s personal life has improved by leaps and bounds since her children left home, her working life leaves much to be desired.

"I am slowly using the strength I've gained from self-mastery at home to gain self-mastery at work," says Irene, "but it's an uphill battle to maintain an independent stance when you work for a company that hires and fires people like expendable commodities and permits all manner of abuses to go unchecked."

In particular, Irene resents working for a manager who constantly reminds staff that they are nothing more than servants and must do exactly what they have been told to do even though it appears to be wrong or stupid.

Irene’s job isn’t exactly lousy - and she’s quite aware that no job is perfect - but she's working towards something better than what she has.

As Irene sees it, independent women are not 'masters', people who kick around other people.

"Independent women are self-masters," explains Irene, "We master ourselves and give others the freedom to do likewise."

She is gaining strength at work by refusing to put up with bad treatment from anyone; knowing her rights and sticking up for them; and being one step ahead of her manager.

"He is a big fool for thinking that he has mastery over me," laughs Irene. "I do what I consider needs to be done and if it concurs with what he wants me to do then that's his good luck. If it doesn't then that's his bad luck."

"I am not interested in going into business for myself," says Irene, "so if my situation at work does not improve, I will definitely find a new job."

"However," adds Irene, "my most important tactic in self-mastery is to become completely independent of people telling me what to do and that involves building up a reserve of money so that I will never have to be dependent upon a job ever again."

"Complete financial independence and self-mastery is possible," says Irene, "even for a woman with an average income. It means cutting back living expenses and learning the tricks of frugality, of course, but self-mastery and total independence often involve sacrifices."

"If a lower standard of living means that I never have to put up with anyone treating me like a servant, " laughs Irene, "then it's something I can live with if I need to. Right now, though, I believe my manager is beginning to understand that he will achieve more from me in terms of productivity and harmony if he leaves me alone to be the master of my job."

"I am not attempting to control him," laughs Irene, "I am merely influencing a change in his behavior that he can either adopt or not."

"It's my responsibility to take care of myself, not him."

goodbye WWII

Retirement is a new direction in itself, but for Marina, 60, it has become a time to say goodbye to WWII and to all the myths and frauds perpetrated in its name by those who lived through it.

“Like all Baby Boomers, I grew up in the shadow of the Golden Generation born during the 1920s who came of age during WWII, when the times were dangerous but terribly exciting, and the world was its oyster then and, because of their continuing power, wealth and influence, still is.”

“With time to think, I have come to the angry conclusion that my parent’s generation used WWII as emotional blackmail to justify massive exploitation,” says Marina. “They used my generation, the Boomers, as the scapegoats for all of the world’s ills that they, not we, caused.”

“If we Baby Boomers, their children, are a bunch of stupid idiots then it is because our teachers, bosses and leaders were so inept,” says Marina. “I honestly learned nothing useful at school – all I can remember is scripture lessons about the Holy Land and history lessons about WWII, all designed, of course, to turn me into a good little Christian girl who should be forever grateful to the previous generation.”

“Nobody today is teaching children that they should be grateful to the Boomers who lost their lives in the Vietnam War,” says Marina. “Nobody today is teaching children to respect us, their elders, are they?”

“At 60, I may be a tad too old to overturn my entire life, but if the Golden Generation can extend their lives for decades by medical intervention and continue pushing the myths of WWII, then I can at least refuse to live any more in their shadow.”

“From now on, I shall laugh rather than cry when some old war hero fraud tries to manipulate me into being grateful for whatever he did during WWII,” says Marina. “More likely, he sat at a desk shuffling papers leering at pictures of Betty Grable rather than serving on the front line!”


Read more by Marina on this issue:

golden generation v boomers

life extension on welfare

the gods of war

war hero frauds

dispelling myths

who invented nursing homes?

generational shadows

our 1960s or their mid-life crisis?

being young in an old workplace

revered wise elders or frauds?

the spoils of war vs survival

we’re ruled by dangerous old men?

clean up your act

Persephone, 31, is divorced, lives alone and is currently unemployed and recovering from a broken romance which has left her in a total mess – but after a big clean up of her living space she was able to see some light ahead and is now working towards cleaning up her mental space.

"When I feel totally cleansed – when I am totally ‘over’ Peter – it would be nice to be able to afford a self-indulgent splurge," smiles Persephone. "I would book myself into a beauty salon and get the works; I'd visit the top boutique in town and get a new outfit; I'd hop on a plane and enjoy a trip to anywhere; I'd go skiing or I'd go see a big, flash concert or show."

"In that sense the rich do have a huge advantage over the poor," adds Persephone, "but no amount of money helps you get through the internal healing, the soul stuff, the period from a broken heart to the point where you want to feel like going on a self-indulgent splurge."

"When you've reached the stage where you're ready to put a smile on your face - and you don't have money to splurge - you learn to enjoy the simple things in life," says Persephone. "A long walk usually makes me feel good, and if I can't stand looking at my sad face tomorrow I might try that and see how I feel afterwards."

"In my case, though," adds Persephone, "being back to where I was before I'd met Peter would satisfy me. For the three months I'd been with him I didn't think about finding a job at all. I thought he was the one! I couldn't think of anything else besides him."

"So, being sufficiently whole, happy and healed – to me, right now – means getting back to job hunting," explains Persephone. "And if time doesn't heal my broken heart then the sight of a falling bank balance will certainly do the trick!"

Read more stories about Persephone:

the big cleanup

unusual situations need special care

clean sweeps

Isolde is 36 and every time a relationship breaks up she has a clean out - throwing out everything that could possibly remind her of her ex lover. So far, she has had three clean sweeps but she claims, like the song by Naked Eyes, that there is Always Something There to Remind Me.

"I have a clean out when a relationship breaks up because it gives me something to do - something to expend my anger and energy on," explains Isolde, "and it's also a cleansing procedure - like in Feng Shui."

"When you end a relationship and start a new life you don't want to be carrying any baggage with you," says Isolde, "and getting rid of all the tangible reminders of an ex-lover goes a long way to helping me get rid of the emotional baggage, too."

"But as much as I try to get rid of everything that once belonged to an ex-lover - or would remind me of him," sighs Isolde, "the song comes back to bite me. There is always something I forget that turns up days, weeks, months or years later to bring the pain back."

"My first clean out was a mammoth job because we had been living together for seven years - and he just left me one day, just like that, to face all of his stuff in my apartment."

"I was so angry that I stayed up all night removing all of his things from my place."

"I dumped all his stuff outside the apartment - near the street - and at 5am I left a message for him, telling him where it was and warning him to pick it up immediately before it got stolen."

"I went straight to work after that -without any sleep - and when I returned home that night everything was gone!" laughs Isolde. "It was the most freeing experience for me."

"In the following weeks I started feeling sick because I was still sleeping on the bed we had once shared - using the sheets, towels, crockery and all the other little things that reminded me of him," says Isolde.

"At that time, I couldn't afford to buy new things," explains Isolde, "but when my second relationship ended I went to town with the clean up and bought a new bed and replaced all of my bathroom and kitchen stuff."

"I got over my second lover pretty quickly," laughs Isolde. "Having a new bed, new sheets and stuff really helped. But what remained of him was a book that sat on my bookshelf like a bad smell for a year before I realized it was one of his."

"My third relationship bust up was terribly painful," confides Isolde. "This time around I just didn't want to stay in the same apartment any more. I not only got rid of everything that reminded me of him, but I also physically moved out of the place."

"I was in a terrible state when the relationship broke up and just wanted to get out of that place as fast as I could - taking absolutely nothing with me except for my clothes and personal papers."

"I called in at the Goodwill store, gave them a key, and told them to take everything," laughs Isolde. "I'm sure they must have thought I was stark raving mad - but I was doing what I knew would work for me."

"I lost a lot of money on changing apartments and buying everything new," confides Isolde, "but I gained peace of mind - and that was priceless."

"Three months later I went through my personal papers box and found a photograph of him!" laughs Isolde. "By that time, I was almost over him - not as angry as I once was - and I decided to keep the photo."

"If there is always going to be something there to remind me then maybe I should deliberately keep something to remind me!"

Isolde's story first appeared as always something there to remind me

wanting to make a difference

After completing a generalist arts degree Amber realized it wasn't going to be enough to get her ahead in life so she went back to university to get a post graduate degree in something more marketable - management - and she is hating every minute of it.

"It was the only school I could get into," explains Amber, "but as I didn't really have any preference - anything would do - I can't blame the course. It's me."

"My parents think it's great that I'm getting a post graduate degree in management and I can't tell them the truth - that I hate the course - and it's this living a lie that is getting me down."

"There is really no other viable alternative for me but to get a post graduate degree."

"I can't get a good job with just an arts degree - I need something more tangible than that - but I really can't see the management course getting me anywhere either."

"Sure, I attend all the lectures and workshops and do all the assignments," says Amber, "but my heart isn't in it."

"It's a full-time course and it's like a full-time job - hard work!"

"I have no social life - I don't have a boyfriend - and most of the time I'm just depressed and miserable."

"The other students on the course are gung-ho and planning to make a million dollars with their management degree but I think they're kidding themselves," sighs Amber. "I wish I could share their enthusiasm - but I can't. I just want to get through this year and then I never want to study again."

"Neither of my parents have an education and they're so proud that I am doing something they never had an opportunity to do - but the sort of education they might have had in their day is not the sort of education we get today. It' grossly over-rated."

"My parents didn't force me into getting an education - and I'm not doing all this to please them either."

"I could walk away from it all tomorrow and my parents will support whatever decision I make," says Amber, "but what would be the good of quitting a course I am half way through?"

"I think education had a lot of relevance in my parent's time but these days I don't think it means much."

"I'm looking for meaning in my life and education isn't giving it to me."

"When I look at some of the kids who dropped out of high school I sometimes wish I had dropped out with them because they're happy and I'm not."

"My parents got by without an education - and so have millions of people around the world," adds Amber, "and all this pressure and hype about education has gone too far."

"I'm nearly 23 and I have no experience of life at all," sighs Amber. "All I've ever known is study - and the management course is not teaching me anything that I'll ever use to better my life or that of anybody else's."

"The world doesn't need another manager," laughs Amber. "It needs thinking people - feeling people - people who make a difference."

"That's the type of person I want to be, and if I had been twenty years earlier I would have had an opportunity to enjoy a real education - a thinking education - not the sort of fast-tracked, high pressure, corporate driven pap we're getting today."

a mouse turns forty

For four years prior to her 40th birthday Mandy had been languishing over the loss of a man she had lavished the prime of her life upon and had hoped to marry. Feeling sorry for her, an old male friend treated Mandy to a birthday lunch at a top restaurant and he could not believe his eyes when he came to pick her up.

She had transformed from Mandy the Mouse into Mandy the Magnificent!

"I looked stunning and heads turned as I walked into the restaurant," laughs Mandy.

"Believe it or not but I was wearing an old dress and a fake Rolex but it wasn't my clothes and jewelry people were looking at - and admiring - it was my style, my radiance and my freshness."

"No amount of money could buy that look, " says Mandy, "and do you want to know how I achieved it?"

“I made my mind up that day to forget Jordan,” explains Mandy. “I’d made up my mind to forget him millions of times before, but turning the magic 40 really did the trick. I not only swore off Jordan, but the whole idea of love and marriage and, of course, babies."

"I actually felt different that day. I felt strangely strong and powerful. I didn’t wear anything different, or do my hair differently, but I felt different."

"I had no idea that I looked different until I saw the effect I was having on other people." laughs Mandy. "It was really heady stuff!”

Almost immediately upon turning 40 and deciding that she no longer wanted marriage or a man in her life, Mandy the Mouse's life changed dramatically.

She gained a confidence that nobody had seen in her before, least of all Mandy herself. She had always been a mouse. She even squeaked like a mouse when she talked.

Now, she radiated with confidence and spoke with full throttle from her lungs.

“I had always been afraid of public speaking,” confides Mandy, “but for some strange reason I had an incredible desire to command attention so I enrolled in a public speaking class and gave two lectures. Everyone hung on to every word I said and I couldn’t believe that it was me up there at the rostrum spouting on about politics and economics."

"One guy said I was so good that he suggested I should join a political party and run for office, but honestly I was having so much fun that I didn’t want to spoil it by getting out of my depth.”

With every head that turned in admiration that year, Mandy gained an inch more in stature and arrogance. She was a queen in every respect. She ordered people to do this and that for her, and they bowed to her every whim. She had more admirers that year than she previously had in her whole life, but she treated them all with utter distain as befitting her new persona.

“I had vowed on my 40th birthday that I was never going to play second fiddle to a man again,” confides Mandy, “and I meant it."

"I can’t believe that I wasted four years of my life being treated like a doormat by Jordan, and then another four years of my life moping about him after he dumped me.”

At 40, Mandy the Magnificent didn’t pull punches. She commanded respect.

In keeping with her new image she gradually disposed of every single thing that reminded her of Jordan and the old Mandy the Mouse identity.

"I had four garage sales that year and with the proceeds I did something remarkable," says Mandy. "I got a portrait painted."

“I never had as much as a photograph of myself taken as a baby,” explains Mandy. “I felt so beautiful that year and I wanted to remember that feeling forever.”

With the change of image Mandy made the social pages in local publications and she even appeared in an international publication - an event that sparked letters and calls from people she hadn’t heard from for years.

Before the end of the year, she had also moved on to a dream job. It was all happening for her.

Old friends who remembered Mandy the Mouse were becoming seriously envious, but Mandy was far too busy enjoying being the center of attention to notice.

In the twelfth month of her Year of Magnificence Mandy asked an old friend an outlandish favor and it was quite rightly refused.

"The year was drawing to a close," explains Mandy, "I guess I was losing my 'magnificence' and in a fit of uncharacteristic pique I excommunicated not only the person who refused my favor but also several other old friends."

Mandy had become so obsessed with ego gratification, believing herself to be a queen with rights to chop off people's heads if they displeased her, that she alienated the very people she needed to nurture her through her final break from Jordan.

“You know that old adage about being careful who you tread on when you’re climbing up the ladder because you’ll meet them on the way down?” asks Mandy. “Well, I started to meet them all before the end of the year and I’m really sorry now that I got so carried away."

"Honestly, though," says Mandy, "if there were one age I could live over again and again it would be 40 - even if it meant that people would get hurt. It was worth it to get Jordan out of my system."

"It was a year of pure magic and yes, I kept to my word. I never gave Jordan a second thought - except perhaps to wonder what on earth I ever saw in him to start off with."

"I now enjoy casual dating - without commitment or anything heavy,” says Mandy, "and I'm doing well in my career. I've lost that first flush of 'magnificence' that comes from breaking ties with a lost cause, but I'm a long, long way from being the mouse that I once was."

(Mandy's story first appeared as ms mouse to ms magnificent and is reprinted with permission.)

new direction after job loss

Donna is single, 36, and was absolutely dedicated to her job, but when profits slacked her employer showed no remorse about getting rid of her.

"I had put my all into the company," explains Donna "my job was far more important to me than a relationship so when the company I worked for laid me off I was thrown into panic."

"More than anyone else I have my mother to thank for getting me through this period," says Donna. "She gave me a wonderful book that I read from cover to cover."

"That book was Dr Kubler-Ross's Death and Dying," confides Donna "and don't let it's title put you off because the five stages of loss recovery outlined by Dr Kubler-Ross can be successfully applied to any loss."

"The five stages of loss recovery are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance," adds Donna, "and rather than the rational and often brutal way that society expects us to cope with job loss - pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there and get yourself another job - I was really helped by the spiritual approach of the Kubler-Ross recovery guide."

"Loss of a job and the security of employment," says Donna, "are factors up there on the stress scales with divorce so if, at the same time as losing a job, you suffer another life crisis then you risk the potential of developing a serious illness."

"When we are vulnerable all manner of misfortunes can happen to us - often in threes," explains Donna, "and while others may try to cajole us into finding a new job before we have had a chance to recover we need to understand that starting a new job is also a stressful experience and as such might tip our stress scales towards illness."

"When you’ve lost your job," says Donna, "you've already experienced a shock to your system. You don’t need another one. And I avoided further stress by staying at home and taking care of myself spiritually."

Donna is applying the Kubler-Ross five-stage recovery process very successfully to her recent job loss.

"The more you practice the process in small ways in your life," explains Donna, "such as losing your wallet or keys, or getting stuck in traffic, or whatever, the easier you’ll be able to cope when the big crises hit."

"My reaction when I heard I had lost my job was total disbelief and denial," says Donna. "It was so typical of the denial stage of the recovery process"

"Sure, there had been some talk and a few signs of trouble, but this must be a mistake. They would not fire me! I have been a loyal employee with the company for many years! I am indispensable! And on and on I went, refusing to believe that I have been axed."

"Some people," says Donna, "take a long time to get out of the denial stage. We have all read stories about people who get dressed and go to work as normal, though sitting in a park all day long, for considerable lengths of time after being laid-off. These people are unable to open up their feelings to those around them. Or they don’t have anyone to talk to."

To avoid staying in denial for longer than necessary, Donna believes that it is imperative to talk to someone about what has happened to you.

"You need to be among your own kind," says Donna, "and in an environment where there is no pressure to get out of denial before you are ready to do so."

"The anger stage of the recovery process was really big for me," confesses Donna. "When it finally sunk in that I was jobless an overwhelming feeling of anger and resentment built up."

"This is natural," says Donna. "Don’t fight it. Just let it happen. You have every right to be angry. No matter how long you had been with the company that laid you off, the anger is just as valid, just as strong."

"Companies these days demand more of one's time, energy and commitment than ever before and yet lack the generosity and reciprocity that once was part of the employer-employee social contract," explains Donna. "Get angry with them!"

Donna says that there may be intense anger towards the company - or the manager who fired you - and sometimes a great deal of resentment at co-workers who remain with the company.

"I found myself thinking: I am better than they are. I deserve better," says Donna. "I had been there longer than they had, and I was consumed with anger by all the inequities and betrayals of the firing."

"During the anger phase," says Donna, "you may be tempted to expose your former employer in a stinking letter to the press, or you may behave in some other well-documented disgruntled ex-employee manner. Try to resist the temptation. Believe it or not, but the anger does dissipate."

"The bargaining stage of the recovery process is one that not all of us go through," explains Donna, "or go through in the same manner. It differs according to the circumstances."

"If you have heard that the company is re-hiring on a contract basis," says Donna, "you might want to get re-instated. You might want to take the matter to court, not in anger but in defense of what you perceive as being your right to the job you lost. You believe you have some bargaining power, that all is not lost."

"You might try to involve a third party into negotiating for you," adds Donna. "You might accept another job on the rebound - just to show them how good you really are and how stupid they were to fire you - with the underlying hope that they will want you back. This is very common in the separation process, from a job or from a partner."

"Basically," says Donna, "in the bargaining process we are still hanging on to the past, wanting to breathe life into something that is lost and gone forever. Sometimes it is the company that fired you that makes the first move to re-instate you. Hardly likely, but it is possible. Finally, you see the futility of it all."

"The depression stage of the recovery process is one that I'm still going through," sighs Donna. "I'm not talking about clinical depression here, but just plain sadness, misery and pessimism. People who jump back into the job-hunting scene before they are ready to present themselves at their best are prime candidates to fall into an abject pit of misery from which they may never recover after receiving a few rejections."

"Job hunting involves not just a few rejections," says Donna, "it involves hundreds, even thousands, and you've got to be strong in order to accept this sort of relentless rejection."

"I invested a great deal in my job," says Donna. "I actually took on a study course to improve my chances of promotion and now I’m left doing a course that I don’t particularly want to continue with. All of that time. All of that energy. All wasted. All gone. I've lost my working identity, my work colleagues and a familiar routine. All of these things are worthy of time spent in grief."

"I'm grappling with a sense of worthlessness," says Donna. "I feel that nobody will ever employ me again. I feel that I am too old, or too stupid, or too inexperienced or whatever for any employer to ever want to hire me again. It's a good feeling, strangely, so the depression stage is really healthy in the recovery process."

"My friends are scolding me for not getting out there and setting the world on fire," laughs Donna. "They mean well, they hate to see me so sad, but if I took their advice and started looking for another job during the depression phase I will end up in a dead-end job that will demoralize me even further."

"The next phase in the recovery process is acceptance," says Donna "and I'm looking forward to that day. Dr Kubler-Ross doesn't mean to imply that I will experience joy and happiness and brightness. Acceptance merely means that we have come to terms with loss and are neither angry nor sad any more. It is over. It is time to move on."

"It's only when we are in acceptance mode, only when we feel good and look good, that we should start thinking about a new direction," explains Donna, "and that makes good sense to me."

enabling or supportive parents?

Like thousands of people around the world, Camille, now 32, lost her job with a major airline company following the 9/11 tragedy. It was a double whammy for Camille as she was still grieving from the death of her fiancé, Joseph, the year previously.

Luckily, Camille had returned to live with her parents after Joseph’s death, so she has had their continuing support for both tragedies. But as the years rolled by and Camille didn't pick herself up, one must question whether her parents' support has merely 'enabled' her continuing grief and self-pity.

Camille calls herself a widow even though Joseph died before they had legalized their relationship. They had lived together for three years and were man and wife in every respect, bar a piece of paper. At first Camille wondered how she could ever live without Joseph, but with her parents’ support and the daily routine of her job she pulled through.

Camille had loved her job, it was exciting, it kept her mind off her grief and it promised to last the distance. Losing her job, her rock, sent her into a spin from which she has not yet recovered.

How we approach job loss seems to be dependent upon how much we liked our old job; how financially secure we are; and how emotionally secure we are. Camille's worth as a human being was not exactly determined by her job, but it was very much integral to her being -- it gave her a level of status that she desperately needed.

For status conscious women, like Camille, a week out of work means a week out of the social whirl associated with work, and a month out of work means social death.

For Camille, this social death quickly brought to the surface all of the pain she had suffered a year earlier following Joseph’s death.

"Of all friends," says Camille, "there are none so fickle as co-workers. Some may be willing to keep in touch with a fired colleague for as long as it takes for her to find a new job, but most will adopt an out of sight out of mind approach. The only friends from work who were still in contact with me a month after the firing were those in the same boat as myself. Those who still had jobs appeared not to want to know us any more."

Lurching into manic activity to find a new job can therefore indicate a lot more than financial insecurity. When people lose jobs they also lose status. Finding a new job quickly, though, was not an option for Camille. The entire airline industry was shattered by the events of 9/11.

Most people who lose jobs have at least three month's worth of savings or insurance to tide them over, and Camille was luckier than most in that money wasn’t a problem. She was an only child and her parents were only too happy to support her.

There is a great deal to gain from taking a rest between jobs - whether we liked our old job or not - but Camille’s rest took the form of a deep depression.

"First I lost Joseph," explains Camille, "then I lost my job and all the social whirl that went with it, and now all I do is sit home watching movies. It helps to numb the pain."

Most people benefit from a long break between jobs, but in Camille’s case it might have been better for her to have lurched into manic activity to find a new job. Any job, or indeed the job search process itself, would have given her a focus. Keeping busy was the way she successfully coped with Joseph’s death, and keeping busy doing anything could have helped her through job loss, too.

"If any other airline was hiring," explains Camille, "I would have applied for a new job, but the whole industry was laying off staff after 9/11."

Camille had the desire for a new job, but not the opportunity.

Rather than looking at a new direction -- some other type of job to train for -- Camille chose to sink into depression and dwell in the past. Her parents didn’t urge her to get out and about. They just let her be. Ordinarily, this type of behavior is very supportive, but in Camille’s case even a low status job could have helped her.

Like a rebound relationship, the rebound job is merely a transition, a bridge between what we had and what we want, and providing that both employer and employee are happy with the arrangement it can be a wonderful healer.

There's no right or wrong way to cope with job loss, or any sort of loss. It all depends on the individual, and it also depends on what the universe is throwing at us, too.

It’s hard to imagine sitting at home watching television and movies as a routine capable of pulling Camille through job loss in the same way that the routine of her job pulled her through Joseph’s death, but anything is possible.

Asked whether she had any friends other than those she had worked with, Camille replies in the negative.

"My whole life had revolved around Joseph and my job," explains Camille, "all of my friends were co-workers."

Asked whether she’s still receiving support from the co-workers who had been laid-off at the same time as her, Camille shrugs.

"Immediately after the lay-off we spoke on the telephone every day," explains Camille, "but as time wore on they got on with their lives and I never hear from them now."

It would appear that Camille’s most painful loss had been the social status and social whirl that went with her job. She feels totally cast off from everyone except her parents, but unfortunately there comes a time when 'support' becomes 'enabling' of a negative mindset and that's what Camille's parents fear they have done.

Another option for Camille, should she not want to find a transition job in another industry, is to do voluntary work - especially in an area where she could meet people worse off than herself.

Camille’s life experiences have indeed been very unlucky, yet she has supportive parents, no financial worries, excellent health and her future employment prospects are good. A lot of people lack all of these blessings and yet get back on track quickly -- so maybe Camille's blessings have been, in fact, a curse.

Ordinarly, it would be kind to assume that Camille will come to this conclusion herself, but after such a long period of time spent in grief and self-pity her parents really have a duty to stop 'enabling' this negativity and to start 'supporting' their daughter in a new direction.

career change volunteer

Fiona is 28, a college graduate and a single mom on welfare with two young children soon to start school. Faced with the most difficult part of her mothering duties soon to end, Fiona started looking at her options in relation to returning to work.

"I started off my working life teaching," says Fiona, "but I went into teaching more to please my parents than myself. My heart wasn't in it. I don't want to go back to teaching, and besides which I'm far too out of date to go back without having to do a refresher course If I have to do some post-graduate study, then it's got to be targeted to something I'm going to enjoy."

"This time around I want a complete career change - I want to work in the television or movie industry and if that means doing a post-graduate course then I am prepared to make that commitment," says Fiona. "First of all, though, I followed advice about trying out voluntary work as a means of gaining insight into whether or not something is going to be right for me. As it turned out, voluntary work was a great new direction in itself."

"It’s often said of voluntary work that if you find yourself really enjoying the work then it may lead to a real job," says Fiona, "but I've never heard of anybody who gained a paying position from a stint doing voluntary work. But my opinion doesn’t necessarily mean to say that someone, somewhere, hasn't got lucky."

Fiona says that anyone who takes on voluntary work in expectation of gaining a real job is likely to end up being disappointed. Initially, this was her aim, but she soon got real.

For most people, voluntary work is not a means to an end.

"For those who turn to voluntary work to fill some time and hopefully do some good or, like I did, as a means of checking out a new career direction," explains Fiona, "it can be fun - but you need to let the organization know that you are there to check out a new direction - a new paying career - otherwise you risk being left to your own devices and not learning anything new."

"There are some wonderful voluntary organizations out there that offer unique experiences for their voluntary workers," explains Fiona. "The Olympic Games organization, for instance, offers great experiences for an army of voluntary workers, and most of the world's fire fighters and emergency services personnel are volunteers, too."

"Thoroughly check out the voluntary positions available," suggests Fiona. "For instance, if you want to try out nursing as a new career direction and the only voluntary positions available in your neighborhood hospitals are for 'visitors' - ask yourself if this is what you want to do. Doing a stint as a voluntary 'visitor' may get you a look-in at what nurses do all day, and help you decide whether it is the new direction you want to take, but it is unlikely to offer you the real experience of nursing that you need."

"I had no luck trying to get into television or the movie industry via a voluntary job," says Fiona, "but I did try out doing a bit of voluntary work for a community radio broadcasting studio and as luck would have it I fell in love with the work and the whole atmosphere of the place."

"There were no formal job interviews and nobody asked for my job resume - what a blessing!" laughs Fiona. "There was just a brief form to fill in, a cheery welcome and ‘want to have a go’?"

From knowing nobody at the studio, and never considering becoming a broadcaster, Fiona was ‘on air’ and best of friends with everybody at the studio after a few hours.

The community radio station had no paid staff doing the work. It was run entirely by volunteers, some of whom had worked in commercial radio all of their lives. Fiona liked this. They were committed to the work. Fiona soon discovered that enthusiasts are the most delightful people to work with and be around.

"Radio is actually better for me than television or the movie industry," says Fiona, "and I would never have discovered this fact without trying out voluntary work."

"I'm an Aquarian and I'm far more interested in communities and the world at large than I am in personal relationships," explains Fiona. "And, having a good voice and the sort of assertive attitude that most first born kids have, I'm well suited to radio work."

Fiona has yet to gain a real job in commercial radio from her voluntary work, but is working towards achieving her dream.

"I was advised by the 'old hands' in radio that experience is valued far more highly than a post-graduate degree," explains Fiona, "so when I was offered a short permanent slot at the community radio station - for talking about community events - I grabbed it."

"Probably not many people listen to me," laughs Fiona, "but that's not as important to me as gaining the experience I need to apply for a paying job in commercial radio."

"I don’t spend much time ‘on air’, but when I do it's the biggest high for me. Much of the work at a community radio station - as in any voluntary job, or even paid job - involves menial work. There are telephones to answer, coffee cups to wash, errands to run and general tidying up to do. I don’t mind. The studio is now like a second home for me."

Her children think she’s got a real job, and are very proud of their mom, and Fiona is not going to disillusion them. She knows a lot of people doing voluntary work who actually pretend to the world at large that they have a paying job, and she sees nothing wrong with this.

"Being a welfare mom sucks," laughs Fiona, "and a little lie to build up self-esteem is worth it!"

Fiona did not go into voluntary work expecting doors to open. She does it because she wants to do it and enjoys doing it. Becoming a community radio volunteer was an amazing new direction for her, giving her a goal to work towards.

"As for real paying work? Well, I suppose I will have to take whatever I can get until my ship comes in," sighs Fiona. "And if it doesn't, then maybe I will opt to do a post-graduate degree after all. In the meantime, I feel that I'm making a valuable contribution to the community by doing voluntary work."

six degrees to jobs and men

Noela is 39, divorced with a 15 year old daughter, and is long-term unemployed. Fed up with her situation she took up networking and it has totally changed her life.

"I believe that a wonderful new man, job, house or whatever we want is merely six people away from all of us," explains Noela. "We will not necessarily know the person who shows us the way, but we will know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Get the picture?"

"Everything in life," says Noela, "is all about networking, keeping your ear to the ground, listening, watching and making it your business to be acquainted with as many people as you can over a wide spectrum of businesses and professions. When you know who's who, you know what's going on and you'll have so many new opportunities opening up for you that you could become dizzy thinking about them!"

Noela estimates that more jobs, partners and opportunities are found through networking than by any other means. So, whatever you want in life, Noela believes that the best way to find it is through networking.

"The hidden job market is well known," says Noela, "but there is a hidden market for everything out there."

"Just imagine it," says Noela. "If half of the world's jobs being filled at any one time are from the hidden job market - jobs that are not advertised anywhere - then half of the world's needs in every conceivable area are being filled similarly by hidden means. Partners, houses, cars, whatever - you name it there's a hidden market for it!"

"With this sort of hidden economy operating - not all of which is going to be black marketeering - advertising is unnecessary," explains Noela. "Fast-working networkers with their fingers on the pulse of everything are going to grasp new opportunities as soon as the opportunity arises. In the case of a job, a networker often fills it within hours of the guy they are replacing giving notice to quit. In the case of a relationship, a networker replaces a girlfriend within hours of the separation being announced. It's as easy as that!"

Networkers, according to Noela, are people who don't waste time posting their resume to job-boards, applying for every job advertised on the Net or sitting home watching television. They don't waste time with personal ads or dating agencies if it's a new guy they're looking for. They don't waste time with real estate agents and property magazines when it's a new house they're looking for.

Instead, they're like Noela. She taps her existing contacts when it is time to find anything she wants, and she makes it her business to get to know the people she needs to know in order to get whatever it is she wants. Noela is using networking to find both a partner and a job, and she maintains that it's only a matter of time before she finds them.

Noela explains that when you gain a foot in the door of any hidden market through networking, you come with a personal recommendation. This recommendation is either from someone who knows you, or someone who knows someone who knows you.

"In the job market," explains Noela, "rather than going through the haphazard, costly and time-consuming exercise of recruiting staff, most companies prefer to hire staff by the time-honored tradition of personal recommendation. It's the same with everything, not just jobs."

"Becoming a networker opened up a whole new direction in life for me," confides Noela. "It took me a long time to get the hang of it and do it properly, and I am still waiting for my efforts to bear fruit, but I am absolutely sure that I will be rewarded."

"I am always careful when networking that I don't waste time indulging in dalliances and getting sidetracked by people who are in no position to help me," says Noela. "I try very hard to be selective about my contacts. I'm in a special situation because I'm looking for a partner and a job - so I can kill two birds with one stone - but sometimes it's difficult to sift the time wasters from the valuable contacts."

Noela makes a point to ask questions designed to show people she's smart and knows exactly what she wants and what she's capable of doing.

"No matter how desperate you are for work, or a guy, or whatever it is you want," warns Noela, "it's very important to maintain focus and dignity. Getting down on hands and knees and begging is not generally a good idea, but I suppose if it can be done with style it could work!"

"I have also became a shameless name dropper," laughs Noela. "But name dropping is vitally important because by the law of six degrees of separation I know that someone knows someone who is ultimately going to know someone who is going to help me find the man and job of my dreams."

smelling roses in limbo

Amy is 41, a single mother with two independent children living at home, and she's currently experiencing a very long 'in-between jobs' period.

Limbo is the term that Amy uses for those times in her life when she is at a full stop, when she is stuck in some seemingly unhappy situation and just cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. She's in a limbo situation right now and because she's been there before she's coping very well and inspiring other unemployed women to keep their spirits up.

"In this limbo state," says Amy, "we get to do a lot of soul-searching, asking questions, seeking guidance and generally wondering about what lies ahead."

Although nothing appears to be happening, Amy is adamant that something is happening.

"Limbo is the universe's way of telling us to stop, think and sort ourselves out." explains Amy. "We know we want a new direction, a new job, a new guy, or whatever, but the universe knows better. It puts us into limbo for a purpose."

"The purpose of limbo," says Amy, "is the universe's way of getting us to stop for a while - to dream, think, analyze, smell roses - and do nothing rash to change our situation. We may wish someone would tell us what to do, or show us where to go - yet the universe is doing just that!"

"The something that is happening," says Amy, "is a necessary transition period we must all go through in order to be ready for a new direction. When we are ready, it will happen. Everything will fall into place."

Amy maintains that the most helpful thing we can do during these limbo periods is to go back in time and relate what is happening now to a similar limbo situation in the past.

For instance, Amy's present limbo started when she quit a permanent high-status, high paying position because she was not getting along with her new boss.

"I was incredibly stressed and in that negative state I quit my job and went straight out looking for a new job," sighs Amy. "I know now that it was the worse thing I could have done. I had to quit my job, but starting job hunting before I was ready for it was a big mistake."

When she started job hunting, Amy's heart was not in it. Understandably she did not find any position she liked. The weeks then the months passed by and she started to panic.

"I felt that I had to work, I had to have a job," explains Amy, "not just for the money but because a job had always given me identity. I just didn't want the identity of a single stay at home mom."

In desperation Amy started applying for jobs she did not like and her attitude must have been apparent because she received rejection slips for them all.

"Imagine how awful I felt being rejected for menial jobs," laughs Amy. "Yet it was a learning experience for me that I needed to go through."

Amy found out the hard way that anywhere is not always better than where you are now, but in quitting a stressful job she did put herself in a better place.

"Limbo was that better place," explains Amy. "It's the right place for me at this point in my life."

When Amy realized that her present situation was similar to another life experience she once had - in the relationships area - she started to relax.

"By drawing upon a past limbo experience I came to accept my unemployed status if not with equanimity then with a resignation that this is a situation I have to endure in order to recuperate from years of stress at a relentless job." explains Amy.

"I went through relationship limbo a few years ago following a really bad scene with a guy," explains Amy, "and while I hated not having a man in my life I actually became a much stronger woman as a result of being on my own. I came out of relationship limbo not needing a guy as badly as I once did. It was a great feeling. Very empowering."

"When I reached the point of realizing that my current job limbo situation is ultimately going to be as empowering for me as the relationship limbo I went through a few years ago," explains Amy, "I relaxed and enjoyed being a single stay at home mom."

"I'm just flowing freely," confides Amy, "enjoying having time to smell the roses and reconnect with my kids. I trust that the direction the universe turns me towards is going to be right for me, just like before."

independence day

Exactly fourteen days after a bad incident with a neighbor that set her on an emotional roller-coaster, Norelle, 57, felt healed enough to get back to her 'things to do' -- a list of those big and small tasks she needs to do in order to get her house ready to sell -- and that her getting back on track coincided with Independence Day was a great sign!

"I certainly didn't feel like tackling any of the really big or really hard tasks," says Norelle, "so I chose the smallest task on the list - changing a light globe - and went on from there!"

"I couldn't have done even a simple task a week ago or even yesterday," explains Norelle. "I needed to feel at peace with the world around me - free from pain and fear - and that I achieved this state of mind on Independence Day may have been purely coincidental but I'd like to believe it was a go ahead sign to get moving."

"The last tasks I had crossed off my list of things to do prior to the bad incident had been very big and very hard tasks," says Norelle, "so I was planning on doing some small tasks next. That I had a two week hiatus in which I did absolutely nothing over and above those tasks involved in my normal routine was a blip. That blip could have been spent having a nice time, a good rest, and that it was spent in misery is neither here nor nor there. It's over. It's time to move on. It's time to be completely free to do what I need to do."

"The next small task I chose to do wasn't really on my list," explains Norelle. "It was the finishing touches of one of the big jobs I had completed prior to the bad incident. I had replaced curtains in three rooms and one of them still needed to be adjusted properly. It turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be - necessitating undoing all the hanging hooks in order to adjust the hemline - but I managed to do it and by the end of the day I felt proud of my accomplishment."

"The ultimate purpose of my 'things to-do list' is to prepare me - for the umpteenth time - to make a take a new direction with my life," explains Norelle. "For the past six years, since my last child attained adulthood, I've been preparing to sell up and move on, but every time I got close to taking the plunge something happened to jerk me back."

"If it wasn't something happening in the world around me, such as an economic slump, a war or an impending election it was something personal, such as one of my children wanting to return home for a while, a sudden illness, a sudden problem with the house or simply a job offer that I couldn't refuse."

"I haven't had a job offer for a nearly a year now," sighs Norelle, "but I've had endless other personal problems that prevented me from selling up and moving on, and as soon as one is resolved another one crops up."

"I'm hoping that my last bad personal incident -- clearing the air with my neighbor and her kids -- will finally free me from a rut," says Norelle. "Maybe now, on Independence Day, I can truly move on. Maybe the gods prevented me from moving on at an earlier stage because they wanted to protect me from having my new life ruined by something from the past - unfinished business."

"Imagine being in a new home, enjoying a new life, and then having the hell of the past brought into it by failure to attend to unfinished business," sighs Norelle. "What a terrible fate that would be, and how thankful I am that I was spared it!"

"Because of all the uncertainties in the economy and the world I doubt whether I will be moving on this year," explains Norelle, "but I still need to complete all the tasks on my 'to-do list' in preparation for when the right time arrives for my new direction."

"The final thing I need to do before making that momentous decision, of course, is to check out places where I want to move to," says Norelle, "and, because the high price of accommodation here means that I need to move to a cheaper city, I have to save up enough money to make trips to check out what I can afford to buy somewhere else."

"There's no point in moving if I don't end up with sufficient money to keep myself in retirement left over from selling and buying," explains Norelle, "so the final task on my 'to-do list' is going to be a mammoth one requiring all of my wits."

"Of course, I may decide to sell and rent," says Norelle, "in which case I can be completely free - but from the little research I have already done such an option may leave me penniless at an incredibly vulnerable old age."

"The upcoming months - and years if needs be - must necessarily be devoted to my ultimate goal," says Norelle, "and I am mindful at all times that the longer I'm forced to wait for the 'right time' the more likely the necessity to prepare another 'to-do list' and the more likely the possibility of other things going wrong."

"Every time I do horrible jobs, like painting or cleaning windows, I say to myself that I will never have to do this job again," sighs Norelle, "but I've ended up doing these jobs umpteen times in the past six years!"

"While true independence does not necessarily involve a change of residence," says Norelle, "it would nevertheless be nice to have a new home and enough money to make my life more comfortable in my old age."

"Back to my to-do list!"

searching for meaning

Sarah is single, 38 and confesses that all the things that once made life exciting now bore her to death. She's lost the plot!

"When I ask people why they’re doing what they’re doing," says Sarah, "some look at me as if I've just arrived from another planet. They cannot conceive of doing anything other than what they're doing. They do not question it. Their relationship or their work or their hobby or their faith is their life - as these things once were for me."

"I envy their certainty that what gives their life meaning now will continue giving it meaning," says Sarah. "I suppose I thought the same way ten years ago - but now, at 38, I'm floundering, wondering what it's all about, looking for a new direction."

"I suppose I'm at an age when the biological clock of single women like myself starts to tick madly, but that's not my problem. I don't hear any ticking."

"I don’t believe that marriage and children would give my life meaning," explains Sarah. "Except, of course, that in such a situation I’d be so frazzled that I wouldn’t have time to think about whether my life had meaning or not."

"I'm not looking to complicate my life - I'm looking to simplify it and derive pleasure from it."

"Because of the type of work I do I am often overwhelmed by lack of time to attend to anything else in my life," sighs Sarah. "Like most other people it's work eat sleep and that's it."

"I ask people why they’re doing what they’re doing in the hope that their answers can help me find direction, find a new meaning for my life."

The most common reply Sarah receives is pretty basic: "I work because if I don't my children go hungry, I can't pay the rent and I can't fill my tank with gas."

"When people refer to their work as a day at the salt mine, another round of jumping through hoops, or another day at whatever cliché they wish to use for what work has devolved to in their lives," says Sarah, "they are expressing a sense of powerlessness that I am suddenly feeling - but not exactly for the same reasons."

"I don't have hungry children, rent to pay or a car to maintain," explains Sarah "I live in the heart of the city and I own my own apartment - but I am essentially running on empty, burned out with the whole work eat sleep merry go round."

"I feel that there's something terribly wrong with a system that robs us of our humanity, our desire to be all that we can be," says Sarah. "Working 10 hours a day to survive is no way to live, especially when basic food and shelter is provided to us gratis by Nature."

"It’s not my job per se that bothers me," says Sarah, "it's the whole work ethic. The notion that we must jump through hoops, go that extra mile, do or die without questioning why and to actually identify ourselves by what we do."

"If we are not passionate about everything we do," explains Sarah, "our lives become meaningless - and that's where I am now. I've lost my passion for life. I've lost my raison d'etre. I'm well off compared with other people but I get no pleasure from life any more."

For women particularly, Sarah believes that the daily grind of taking care of our appearance, our families and our homes is a full-time job in itself. Many women are asking: "Haven't we got enough work to do even before we go out into the world and do our stuff at the salt mine?"

"How did we end up like this?"

Sarah, like a lot of women, is going through a crisis - not so much one of identity but one of meaning. By constantly asking herself and others the "why?" question, she hopes to get closer to finding a new meaning for her own life.

"I have trouble accepting that industrialized man is better off than primitive man," says Sarah. "I wonder at what stage in our civilization did we leave our caves or huts - and stop hunting or gathering our food - in order to go work for the Man."

"There’s nothing natural about working for dollars to buy things that Nature provides for us free, especially when the food we buy is processed and unpalatable and the homes we buy are only places we have time to sleep in - exhausted after a day's work."

"It doesn’t make sense does it?"

"I know that there are still pockets of social groups in the world today where people live blissfully as Nature intended them to do," says Sarah, "and I'm deeply concerned about what went wrong with the rest of us."

"I believe that civilization has taken away all that was good and natural in our lives."

"My friends haven't changed - I have - and I can't bear their company any more because they suddenly seem so vacuous. They talk about money, real estate and things. I'm not interested in that life any more."

"I don't even derive pleasure from movies, music or restaurants any more," sighs Sarah. "It's like I really have turned into an alien!"

"No, don't get me wrong," laughs Sarah. "I'm not planning on giving up civilization in order to live in a beach hut, eating fish from the sea and fruit from the trees. I'm as hooked as we all are on modern conveniences. I do feel, though, that life would definitely have more meaning for me if I could be more directly involved in sustaining myself."

The questioning period Sarah is going through appears to be vital for people who have a problem not so much with which door to open but what is the meaning of it all.

Already Sarah is discovering where her new direction may lie.

She has never worked on the land before, or even so much as grown some herbs in a pot at home, but she obviously needs a connection with the earth to give her life the meaning she needs.

When we start asking ourselves why we are doing what we are doing we have already taken a new direction. When what we do is seen as being meaningless, we are opening ourselves to a new direction that has meaning.

And a new direction giving our lives meaning is the most profound new direction of all.

"The prospect of finding a profound new direction out of all this questioning is heartening," sighs Sarah, "but there's no guarantee that there ever will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose what I want is to go back to the certainty I once had - and the enjoyment of things that I once had - but that's not going to happen. Having lost it I can't go back."

"Yes, I'm definitely open to a new direction," says Sarah. "Life is not worth living without passion - and if I need a complete change of lifestyle in order to find whatever it is I need then I guess it's a matter of reaching that stage where I'm so fed up with everything that I'm prepared to throw caution to the wind and step into the unknown."