Facebook friend mining

Libby lost a good friend to technology a long time ago, and prefers to live in the real world rather than in an electronic bubble, but accepts that Facebook is an excellent tool for hunting down long lost people and admits to using it for data mining in the same way that Facebook does.

“I not only located my old friend, Toby, by Facebook but a lot of other people I hadn’t seen since leaving school,” laughs Libby. “So, signing up did give me the opportunity to search for old friends – but since their pages were essentially ‘dead’, no action for years – there was no point to me sending them a message.”

“Facebook is good if you are using it daily and keeping in touch with friends all over the world, but it is silly to use it when your ‘friends’ work next to you,” laughs Libby. “And it is ridiculous to use it hoping that a long, lost friend will find you because by the time they may locate your profile, you have moved on and your account is essentially dead.”

“After a week on Facebook, signing in every day to check on my workmate’s daily dribbles – and considering the remote possibility that someone from my schooldays may find me and message me - I’ve had enough,” says Libby. “I won’t delete the account – if that’s even possible – but I will set my privacy to the highest level so that my profile will not appear in any searches.”

“That way, I can get on with my life and will never have reason to sign in to see if someone is looking for me!”

“If someone wants to find me, they can do it the old fashioned way.”

Read more by Libby on this issue:

real-life friendship dies online

ideal couple split by net

Facebook friends

Single mom resents e-relationships at work

Facebook friends

Libby has resisted joining Facebook ever since it rolled out in 2004, but since so many people have made their FB accounts so restricted that only ‘friends’ can see them she was forced into doing something she never wanted to do and now regrets that she ever let curiosity overcome her common sense.

“I’m a social animal and I’m a loyal and caring friend to many people - male and female – in my real life,” says Libby, “and because I never saw the point of conducting relationships online I’ve also resisted getting a personal internet connection.”

“For the past 10 years I’ve done all of my web-surfing and emailing at work, and I’ve watched the Facebook phenomenon grow – along with the world of Twitter – and never quite got it.”

“After being nagged for so long to join Facebook, it was a new guy at work who finally persuaded me to sign in,” laughs Libby. “He aroused my curiosity about all the good stuff he was sharing online – but there was no way I could see it unless I signed in, so I did.”

“And now, after giving all of my personal information to Facebook, and becoming one of this guy’s many Facebook Friends, I feel like I’ve been tricked into joining some massive social marketing scam.”

“All this guy wanted was another ‘Facebook friend’ to boost his ratings,” laughs Libby. “He had nothing in his pages that I didn’t know or haven’t seen already, and now he pesters me every day to sign in and look at this or that on his page when I work right next to him!”

“Now I most certainly ‘get it’, but I guess I knew all along it wasn’t for me!”

“This guy – and other people I work with - actually get a kick out of sharing photos and stuff through Facebook, but most of us do all that already through email.”

“I guess it’s useful if you’re not allowed to use work email accounts for private stuff – but then in a workplace like that you wouldn’t be allowed to use the Internet to connect to Facebook, or take time off to check cell phone connections.”

“So, is it just a fascination for technology that I don’t share?” asks Libby. “Or is it a way some people distance themselves from real friendships?”

Read more by Libby on this issue:

real-life friendship dies online

ideal couple split by net

Facebook friend mining

Single mom resents e-relationships at work

husband’s friend is a louse

Loma had a perfect marriage until a legal couple, John and Dimi, set up business in the office next door to her husband Frank’s dental surgery and struck up a friendship with him that not only suckered him into ditching his old legal advisers but also drove a wedge between him and Loma – sparking a crisis regarding friendship and marriage, and when to speak up and when to shut up.

“Frank liked J & D so much that I didn’t want to spoil their friendship by telling him that John was a louse for trying to seduce me,” says Loma, “but when John suggested to Frank that there was something dodgy about an inheritance trust I wanted set up for our son I realized that ‘louse’ was not a strong enough word to describe the man my husband calls his new best friend.”

“I couldn’t believe that Frank was actually telling me that John felt that the inheritance trust I wanted set up for our son was suspicious,” says Loma. “I was crushed that he did not have the guts to tell John that our marriage is rock solid and that I would never suggest anything that would benefit myself – the inheritance trust was for our son, not me!”

“Actually, I was crushed that he hadn’t punched John on the nose for insinuating that I was some sort of gold-digger,” cries Loma. “He should have realized that what John was telling him was improper and that he should have dealt with it like a man rather than bringing it home for me to deal with.”

“It looked very much like John was getting revenge on me for rebuffing his unwanted attentions and refusing to socialize with him and his wife,” says Loma. “That he had actually succeeded in driving a wedge between Frank and I was an abominable revenge.”

“I diffused the situation by telling Frank that the inheritance property was a bad idea, better to forget it, and that made him happy,” says Loma, “but now I feel totally insecure in my marriage, believing that John has Frank totally under his thumb and intends to split us up.”

‘No wife wants to interfere in her husband’s friendships,” sighs Loma, “but when that friendship undermines a marriage it is a terrible situation.”

Read more by Loma on this issue:

perfect marriage ruined by new friend

business and pleasure don’t mix

a sensible taurus girl

Because the French parents of her girlfriend, Claudette, considered her to be a sensible Taurus girl, Dallas was thrilled to be offered a trip to France with them.

"Claudette's parents were rarely at home - they were off doing business most of the time,” explains Dallas, “so I can understand why they wanted me to come along."

"If they expected me to be her chaperone – the sort of role they considered suitable for a sensible Taurus girl like me – then they were expecting far too much of me," sighs Dallas. "I just hope they're not going to blame me if Claudette gets into trouble."

"The local boys in the village where we were staying were very rude to us,” says Dallas, “and when we met up with an American family in an adjoining village we had a lot more fun – until Claudette fell in love with one of their sons.”

"After Claudette fell in love I never saw much of her," says Dallas. "She was spending all of her time with her new boyfriend - even slipping out at night when her parents were asleep and she even boasted to me that she had lost her virginity to him."

“None of my business!” laughs Dallas. “It’s not the sort of I’d do, or even want to hear about, but Claudette knew I’d never tell her parents.”

"I spent the last week of the trip wandering around by myself, desperately wanting to go home," confesses Dallas. "A part of me was saying 'wow, I'm 16 and I'm in France and how lucky am I' - but most of me was saying 'I feel ill, France is no big deal and I want to go home'."

Read more about Dallas:

Paris, full of foreigners!

my french friend

trip induced breathing problems

friendship improves a dumb job

Deanna claims to have a dumb job because she is not allowed to exercise any intelligence doing it, and the only reason she survives in it has a lot to do with the friendship she's developed with a co-worker.

"I met Catherine at work and she's now my best friend," explains Deanna, "so going to work every day is like a girl thing."

"We are both in our early 30s, both married with no kids, and we've been working for so long together that we’re more like twins than co-workers."

"Our time together at work is spent discussing what we had for dinner last night and what we’re going to cook for dinner tonight," laughs Deanna, "and when we get off that subject we discuss what television show or video we watched last night and what television show or video we’re going to watch tonight - and finally we discuss what we did last weekend and what we plan to do this weekend."

"We’re ordinary working girls - we have no career ambitions and we do what we need to do in order to survive our jobs," says Deanna, "and Catherine and I survive by being bosom buddies on the job and off it."

What annoys Deanna most about her dumb job is that it has no flexible hours and it’s a place where you must not only be seen at work during business hours, but also be seen to be working.

"It's a sort of myopic eyeball management theory," laughs Deanna, "and the only way we survive it is to make fun of it."

"Look around you at work," she says. "If you don't actually see someone doing something, you tend to believe he or she is doing nothing and is a malingerer. Right?"

"There is this generally held belief where I work that one must look as if one is busy, even if one is not. And God forbid that anyone could be flat out working without anyone actually witnessing his or her toil!"

"Bearing in mind that many people need to mentally organize their work before actually doing it," explains Deanna, "it is quite illogical to presume that someone who is seemingly doing nothing - or is out of sight - is actually doing nothing. And yet this mindset really does prevail where I work."

Deanna and Catherine have a great deal of fun teasing their co-workers, particularly old Jones who, according to Deanna, doesn't really spend half an hour in the lavatory at work reading Playboy.

"No, he is really boning up on next month's projected sales figures," laughs Deanna. "And Catherine and I aren't thinking about last night's movie, or tonight's dinner, when we gaze out of the window for long stretches of time. No, we're really concentrating on next month's projected sales figures, too!"

"Because Catherine and I stay up late watching television or videos we'd like to start work at 10am rather than 8am," explains Deanna. "Also, because we've been doing the same job for years we'd really like to make changes to the system to make it more interesting for us but our requests for change are ignored."

"Can you blame us for plodding on and making fun of the job?"

Deanna complains that because we all have vastly different modus operandi and vastly different time clocks, it is silly to expect everyone to conform to standard procedures and business hours.

"Business hours and standard procedures are good for robots or mindless people," says Deanna, "but intelligent human beings work better when their personal time clocks are pointing to 'work' not 'sleep', right?"

"My workplace, like most workplaces, has its chirpy early birds who look decidedly crumpled at 4pm, and its night owls - like Catherine and I - who scowl at 9am and come alive when the early birds are crumpling," explains Deanna.

"Ideally, these two types should never meet," laughs Deanna. "They can't stand each other."

"It would be so much more humane and efficient if the early birds could start early and finish early and the night-owls could start late and finish late - and so much more humane and efficient if those who do work better by thinking about their work could be given as much time as they need to do so."

Deanna suggests that a thinking room would be a good investment for every workplace.

"If businesses really wanted to prosper then they might consider the benefits of flexibility," she adds. "No wonder so many businesses are going down the gurgler! Management spends too much time eyeballing staff and not enough time thinking."

"Okay," laughs Deanna, "Jones is really not thinking about next month's projected sales figures when he spends half an hour in the lavatory - and neither are Catherine and I when we gaze out of the window - but that does not necessarily mean that time away from actually performing work is not spent thinking about something related to work."

"Brains do need some respite and time spent thinking about anything - even sex - is creative fodder for any manner of brilliant ideas that can be applied to work," says Deanna.

"Think about it," urges Deanna. "But if you think about it at work, though, do make sure you are shuffling some papers at the same time because you wouldn't want your boss to think you're not working. OK?"

do self-help books trump friends?

For all of her life Ruth, 35, has been dominated by a tyrannical mother – which whom she lives as a caregiver – and for the past fifteen years all of her social life was gained through her work, but she has no friends or community support and now that she has lost her job she relies more heavily than ever on self-help books for support, claiming that the authors of these books trump friends because they ‘give’ not ‘take’, and never victimize her as others have done.

“My mother always told me that I’m stupid and ugly and I should always defer to my betters – meaning her, particularly, of course,” says Ruth, “and I’ve never been able to make friends because I tend to arouse in others a desire to feed off my weakness – which is exactly what happened when my manager at work victimized me.”

“All of my life people have ‘taken’ from me without giving me any sort of acknowledgement,” says Ruth, “and I’ve learned from these books that unsupportive people like my mother have a vested interest in keeping victims like me in a state of helplessness.

“I can see how my mother and my ex-manager derive power from my vulnerability – the more I sink into misery, the higher they rise,” explains Ruth. “It’s as if people only get to know me because they want to hurt me in order to make themselves feel better.”

“The inappropriate childhood socialization my mother subjected me to has adversely affected my dealings with everyone,” confides Ruth. “In the past, whenever I’ve been in a vulnerable situation – meeting new people or dealing with an unexpected illness, a legal problem, a work problem or even some disaster on the home front – I’ve always tended to attract people who are least likely to help me, often causing me more heartache than the problem I had to start off with.”

“That’s the sort of people I attract and that’s why I have no friends,” explains Ruth. “I prefer to spend my time with the authors of good books, especially self-help books, because they give me all the spiritual nourishment I need and never victimize me.”

Read more of Ruth’s story:

suicidal caregiver
self-help books boost survival
between job vulnerability
daughter raised to take care of mom
victimized then fired

bum friends

Bailey is 14 and has just returned from a school skiing trip that involved her first flying experience.

"My whole ski trip was ruined the first day when I got on that damn plane," says Bailey.

"I went to the toilets and I was checking out all the stuff they had in there - you know, soaps and creams and things like that," explains Bailey, "and I found a packet of face wipes and used one to clean my face."

"I thought it had a funny smell but that didn't put me off," adds Bailey, "but I got worried when my face started to sting really badly."

"I looked in the mirror and my face had turned red," relates Bailey, "so I washed my face with soap and it immediately felt better."

"I thought I had an allergy to something they used in the face wipe," says Bailey, "and when I went back to my seat I warned the other girls not to use the face wipes."

"What face wipes?" they asked.

"When I explained where I found the face wipes they all burst out laughing," grimaces Bailey.

"I had no idea why they were laughing but soon everyone on the plane was laughing and chanting that Bailey used butt wipes to wash her face."

"I nearly died of embarrassment," says Bailey. "How could I have done such a stupid thing!"

"Not only did I have to put up with being teased for the rest of my holiday but I also had to put up with a red rash on my face."

"That butt wipe had such a powerful chemical in it that it burnt my skin."

"Fortunately for me everyone got snow burned so my red face didn't stick out like a sore thumb," says Bailey, "but as far as I was concerned the whole trip was ruined by that butt wipe."

"How is anyone to know what the things were?"

"We don't use butt wipes at home - we use toilet tissue."

"I suppose I have to put up with my friends calling me butt face from now on," sighs Bailey.

"I bet I'm not the only person in the world who's made the same mistake,"

"I bet the airline staff deliberately put the butt wipes under the hand basin to trick people into thinking they are face wipes."

"And I bet I wasn't the only kid on that trip who wiped her face with them - I'm just the only kid who cared enough to warn others not to use the damn things."

This story first appeared as butt wipe flight

someone listened, cared and shared

Sally is 25 and while she is struggling to support herself and children on a very low income she never regrets having children without the benefit of marriage and a double income.

"Whether you're a single working mother by choice, by accident or by divorce," says Sally, "by far the most supportive people in your life are going to be other single working moms and that's why I started a single moms club."

"These moms are not so much friends I hang out with," explains Sally. "It's mainly telephone support, but of course we meet up when necessary. Basically, we’re women who understand each other's needs and we support each other like a mother or a sister."

"My mother adores her grandchildren," says Sally, "but she’s of an age when she’s out there setting the world on fire and doing her own thing after years of raising me and getting herself established in a career. She doesn’t want the burden of sharing the raising of my children, and I don’t expect it of her."

"I’m an only child so friends are very important to me," adds Sally. "My mom was an only child, and a single mom like me, too, but unlike her I really wanted more kids. I didn’t want my kids to miss out on having sisters and brothers."

"It’s my decision, and I’m not going to burden my mom with the consequences of it."

"The main consequence, of course," laughs Sally, "is poverty. I just don't earn enough money to lead a good life, but we're happy all the same."

"Married working mothers may share many of our problems at work that are related to juggling work with raising a family," says Sally, "but their home lives are very different to ours. Some will have far more problems than we do on account of having an abusive or a dead-beat partner, but most will have far less problems than we do on account of having a partner who brings in a second income, shares the childcare and household duties and provides comfort and warmth when it's needed."

Sally says that the married women at work are not supportive of her, and neither are the single women. Only single working mothers can understand and empathize with her situation because they're going through similar troubles she is.

"The single moms club girls know what it's like to struggle to pay the bills on one income," says Sally.

"They know what it's like to have nobody to keep an eye on the kids when you just want to take a rest or duck down to the shops."

"They know what it's like to come home dog tired and have nobody to help with the chores. And, most important of all, they know what it's like to have nobody around to provide comfort and warmth when it's needed."

"It is mostly this natural need for comfort and warmth that draws single working mothers together," explains Sally. "A woman on her own with a child is a natural magnet for another woman alone with a child. And when friendships are formed, they are stronger than any other type of friendship."

At 9 p.m. when the kids are in bed and Sally feels a bit lonely, there's a single mom who feels just like she does. She calls one of her club friends, or they call her, and she has one of those long and convoluted discussions that only women appear to be capable of having. An hour or so later she turns in for the night, happy that someone listened, someone cared, someone shared.

With the friendship of several of these women Sally shares not only comfort and warmth but also a lot of mundane tasks. When she needs time to herself to go shopping, to visit a doctor, dentist or hairdresser, or just to have a night out with some cute guy, there is always a single working mother willing to take the kids off her hands. And she is more than willing to reciprocate.

"Their children get to know my children," says Sally, "and before long I've got a whole series of new extended families."

For the years up until her children turn 12, possibly 13, Sally believes that her life is going to be pretty much clear cut.

"I’ll go to work, come home and spend more time interacting with other single working mothers than anyone else. I’ll cling to them because they’re likely to be the only people capable of pulling me through these years."

Sally adds that often the only thing she has in common with the women in her single moms club is the fact that they’re all single working mothers.

"It’s likely," says Sally, "that when my children gain a bit of independence I’ll drift away from some of these women, but I’ll never forget them or cease being thankful for their support and friendship when I needed it most."

real-life friendship dies online

Libby, a single working mom, is a social animal - she loves an occasional night out and she is a loyal and caring friend to many people - male and female - so real life friendships are vitally important for her wellbeing and when her special friend, Toby, turned into a virtual friend she felt intense loss.

"I'm not a computer person," explains Libby. "I work with the things - and play around with e-mail and the Internet at work, very discretely, but I wouldn't want a PC at home."

"At first it was a novelty to dash off e-mails to Toby," explains Libby, "but e-mail ultimately killed our friendship."

"Before Toby got online at home we used to call each other often and meet a couple of times a year with the old gang," adds Libby, "but all of this changed when he started e-mailing me at work."

"Instead of surprise telephone calls and delightful face-to-face meetings I received lots of hastily written electronic messages from him."

"At first it looked like the daily messages were bringing us closer together than we had ever been," explains Libby, "but they were merely an exchange of mundane information that neither of us really wanted or needed."

"After a while, we both tired of the daily e-mailing sessions and settled into a monthly catch-up e-mail. This went on for about six months and then one month Toby didn't respond."

"I sent him a couple of subsequent emails inquiring if everything was okay, or if I had said something that had offended him, but he never replied," explains Libby. "I know he received and read the emails because I had enabled the 'acknowledge read' facility."

"I tried to telephone him but his line was engaged - I suppose he was connected to the Net - and I admit that I could have made an effort to visit him, or write him a letter, but the e-mail friendship to which we had devolved had robbed us of normal friendly relations."

"It's hard to explain," sighs Libby, "but I didn't feel right about intruding into his private life. He was shutting me out for a reason and I just had to accept that."

Read more by Libby on this issue:

ideal couple split by net

Facebook friend mining

Facebook friends

Single mom resents e-relationships at work

pen friends

Wendy is a housewife, 39, who's waiting for her youngest child to start school before getting back to work. Her her life revolves around sending and receiving e-mail, and she admits to being a bit jaded with it all.

Wendy has two types of friends - those she sees and those she corresponds with.

"It may sound strange," says Wendy, "but I am so much closer to my pen friends than those I see -- not that I get much time to see many people these days!"

"I can say things in writing that I don't normally say to people face to face," explains Wendy, "and my pen friends feel just the same -- we exchange some very deep feelings and bounce around a lot of great ideas, too."

"Pen friendship has been a part of my life ever since I was about ten years old," explains Wendy, "but it was never like this."

"Since getting online and discovering e-mail I just don't write letters any more and the whole e-mail thing has taken over my life to the point at which the only thing the postman drops into my real life mailbox are bills."

"Let's face it," laughs Wendy, "opening and reading and responding to bills is totally devoid of pleasure!"

Wendy appreciates that e-mail saves billions of trees from extinction, but she admits that her e-mail addiction has caused her to really miss a good old-fashioned personal letter.

"Putting aside huge practical problems with e-mail like spam and privacy breaches," says Wendy, "there is something much more insidious going on with e-mail than the demise of the good old-fashioned letter."

"It's called e-mail addiction and it has reached a point in my life where it consumes time that I should be giving to my children and this worries me. When they come home from school I am glued to the computer reading and responding to e-mail and sometimes I just can't unplug and give my kids the attention they deserve."

"I suppose my addiction has something to do with the fact that e-mail has an urgency and an expediency about it that a letter just doesn't pose", explains Wendy.

"You tend to reply quickly and without thinking to e-mail. It's there in your mailbox, and if you don't attend to whatever is there right away, there will be stacks more to attend to tomorrow - to the point where you may have 200 e-mails in your mailbox at any one time."

"A reply to a letter, on the other hand, was always a slow and carefully crafted exercise for me."

"There was never a hurry to reply to a letter," says Wendy. "Once opened, it just sat there quietly until you got around to answering it. It didn't multiply when you weren't looking, in the manner than e-mail does!"

Of course, e-mail plays a vital role in keeping in touch with friends across the world - without it Wendy would lose contact with a lot of people - but like most other net addicts Wendy cannot remember the last time she received a personal, newsy, hand-written letter sealed in an envelope with a colorful stamp affixed to its right-hand corner.

"The joy of receiving a letter was something I first experienced at the age of ten - when I joined a penfriendship club," says Wendy, "and it continued throughout my life until I got onto the Net."

"One by one my old pen friends got online, and while it's good that we're able to remain in touch, I do miss their letters."

"These pen friends are now grown up women like myself, with children and all sorts of life complications," says Wendy. "They're girls who've shared their lives with me for 29 years."

"They're from all over the world - tiny little islands like the Isle of Man and great big islands like Australia - and while our relationship is very special," explains Wendy, "it was never intended to be more than a pen friendship.

"I miss their letters and I miss the leisurely way we once corresponded with each other."

"I wish we could all get back to real letters and shake off this crazy e-mail addiction," sighs Wendy. "I'd really like to give more attention to my kids and go out more with my real life friends during the day - but having got hooked by this e-mail addition I don't know how to get unhooked. I'm stuck!"

"Any ideas besides unplugging and going cold turkey?"

my french friend

Dallas, 16, was thrilled out of her brain when her girlfriend's parents asked her parents for permission to take her to France with them as their daughter's companion.

"My girlfriend's parents are French," explains Dallas, "and Claudette was their only child and she didn't want to go with them unless I came too."

"Claudette and I were very close and I'd stayed at her house lots of times – what a change from my own home with two younger brothers driving me mad! – but I never dreamed that our friendship would lead to a trip to France."

"It was the first time in a plane for me - but not for Claudette. She had traveled overseas with her parents lots of times."

"Despite being French, Claudette didn't speak the language very well," says Dallas, "so we had a hard time getting ourselves understood whenever we went outside the village."

"One particular time Claudette's bad French became dangerous was when we were walking through the fields and had no idea where we were and we had to run away from two old men who looked like they were going to rape us when she tried asking for directions."

"Claudette and I had a good time together before she fell in love with one of the sons of an American family vacationing nearby," says Dallas, "and, despite feeling really left out of things after that, I don't really blame her for the way the trip turned out.”

"She had a boyfriend to bring home with her," sighs Dallas, "and all I had to bring home with me was a new disease – asthma – and my best clothes badly stained by flower juice after participating in a flower festival."

“We're still friends, sort of, but she's changed so much that our friendship will never be like it used to be."

Read more about Dallas:

Paris, full of foreigners!

a sensible taurus girl

trip induced breathing problems

open house friends

Lori is 27, divorced with two small children and works part-time during the week. Like most single working mothers she is finding it very difficult to get out and meet guys - and hopefully find Mr Right.

"It's very difficult for me to go out at nights to socialize, make new friends and hopefully meet a new guy," says Lori, "so I decided to make lemonade out of my sour situation by doing some entertaining at home."

"I'm far too busy at nights taking care of the kids to invite people over in the evenings," says Lori, "so I thought Sunday afternoons would be the best time for me, and everybody else."

"Initially I started entertaining out of loneliness, but as time went by and more and more people turned up at my Sunday afternoon lunches I started expecting that people would reciprocate - hold lunches at their place or invite me and the kids out."

"I guess as soon as I started having expectations, I got a bit down about the whole thing," confesses Lori.

"I started adding up the cost of providing lunch for a whole bunch of people, most of whom were total strangers, and then weighing the benefits I was getting out of it all."

"Yes, I was certainly meeting a lot of new people, men and women and their kids came, too, but I wasn't getting as much of a kick out of it any more and opening my house to strangers just seemed to close doors rather than open them."

"I started off by asking my friends to bring someone new with them every time they came," explains Lori, "and it wasn't long before these new people started coming on their own and bringing new people with them."

"Some Sundays I'd be providing lunch for a bunch of people I had only just known for a little while - they were nice and friendly, but hey, who wouldn't be nice and friendly when they're getting free lunch!"

"I'd be dropping hints all over the place about how nice it would be to get out with the kids and go somewhere," says Lori, "but just about everyone turned a deaf ear."

"In six months of entertaining," confesses Lori, "only two of my oldest friends reciprocated my generosity with a offer to go out with them. We went to the zoo one Saturday with one family, and the other family invited the kids and I over for a Friday night sleepover."

"Yes, my friends did come good as far as bringing along stray guys is concerned," laughs Lori. "Just about every Sunday some new guy would turn up and one hung around for a while but I wasn't interested in him. I guess the guys I'm interested in wouldn't want to be saddled with a single mother with two small kids."

"What really upset me, though, was the attitude of some of the new friends I made at my Sunday lunches," says Lori. "And women were the worst offenders."

"One of these new women friends blatantly used my Sunday lunches to find new dates," sighs Lori, "and I overheard another woman inviting most of my guests, male and female, to a party at her place later on. Neither of these women had ever invited me to their places. See what I mean about closed doors?"

"They just used my hospitality to their own advantage," says Lori, "and I felt used and abused."

"I suppose most if not all of my new friends were similarly inclined," sighs Lori, "and those two women just annoyed me because I was aware of what they were doing."

"Fed up with being used in this manner I suggested one Sunday that we should hold the lunches on a roster basis," says Lori.

"You could have heard a pin drop when I made the announcement!"

"Actually, one of my newest girlfriends thought it was a good idea and offered to hold a lunch at her place the following Sunday, but at that lunch nobody else offered to hold a lunch the next Sunday and I didn't say anything."

"Guess what?" laughs Lori. "I deliberately took the kids out for the day the Sunday after and when we got back home there was a note pinned to the door from a guy who had turned up expecting his usual free Sunday lunch!"

"He simply wrote 'where's everybody?' and left his number but I didn't call him. Why should I?"

"In the following weeks nobody called to say hello or enquire about my health," says Lori, "and of course nobody called to ask me and the kids out for a day."

"Looking back, it was fun at the start and it sure killed the loneliness bug," says Lori, "but after six months of providing free Sunday lunches for anyone who turned up I was well and truly sick and tired of being taken for a ride."

"Yes, I feel bad about so many people failing to reciprocate my generosity," confesses Lori. "When someone does something nice for me I always want to do something nice for them and I can't understand people who take from friendships and give nothing."

"When I analyze the situation, though, I suppose they thought they were doing me a favor by turning up at my Sunday lunches!"

"If nobody had wanted to come I would have felt lonelier than ever - so it's not all bad news."

"I'm spending my Sundays with my kids now and I don't particularly care about making new friends or meeting Mr Right. If nice people are out there, then they'll meet me at the playground pushing my kids on the swings!

friends, lovers and money

Annie is 42, divorced and lives with friends in an apartment. She likes to work for half the year and take the other half off to enjoy herself, and right now she's not working and looking for a nice guy to settle down with.

In order to keep on track Annie keeps a close watch on her savings, but admits that she’s a sucker for ‘lend me a dime’ line from friends and strangers, too!

"These guys," says Annie, "are always hard up, out of spare change, about to get paid or receive a windfall and just want a few dollars to tide them over. I meet them every day on the street - total strangers - some beggars but some well-dressed people, too, who just want a coin for this or that."

"The well-dressed types get a real buzz out of screwing passers-by out of a coin," laughs Annie. "I think they work on the premise that if they can con you out of a dime they can con anyone out of a lot more than a dime - and they will if given half a chance!"

"The most persistent ‘lend me a dime’ types," says Annie, "are my friends and family members but occasionally I meet a guy who takes me for a sucker. I really appreciate the joys of sharing with friends and helping them when they’re down on their luck, but some of them can be real screwers."

Annie always gets sucked in because she’s kind and generous, but she's well aware of the danger that these screwers can literally dime her to poverty if not death.

They don't even bother to say: "I'll pay you back, Annie". They just expect her to provide them with spare change, and then a fifty and then a hundred, as if inflation has increased so dramatically in a few weeks.

Annie tried to put a stop to this insidious manipulation by refusing to give anyone any money. She made it easier for herself by having no spare change at all. She usually does most of her purchasing by credit card now - but poor Annie even got screwed by credit card!

"My so-called best friend got hold of my card one day and chalked up several hundred dollars worth of credit card purchases," laughs Annie. "She claimed that she was going to pay me back, but she never even asked permission to use the card in the first place."

Annie now has several cards, with exceptionally low limits, and keeps them all well hidden from the screwers in her life.

Another type of screwer Annie seems to attract is the gift giver. Some guy buys her an unexpected gift in order to place her under obligation. It works all the time because Annie is a giving girl and is overwhelmed when someone does something nice for her. She feels obliged to give them back twice as much.

Annie could overcome this screwing obligation tactic by never accepting any gift that she would normally not reciprocate. If the screwer insists that she accepts the gift then she could let the guy know that she will only do so on condition that she can donate it to a worthy cause. That way, she will never feel under obligation.

Annie is a giver in time and effort as well as money. The ‘do me a favor’ friend always tends to be tied-up or in some unfortunate situation. His tactic is to gain Annie’s sympathy or assistance, or to actually excuse himself from giving her assistance.

"When I recently changed apartments," laughs Annie, "all but one of the friends I had helped in the past were strangely unavailable to help me shift my things!"

The screwers in Annie’s life have a propensity to ask abominable favors of Annie, especially after performing a minor favor for her. They do this to test her gullibility and eagerness to please. Annie really needs to request time to think about any demands on her money, time or person and maintain the right to say NO.

If the ‘do me a favor’ screwer is really insistent, then Annie needs to take a leaf out of his book and cite shortness of time or some unexpected problem as an excuse for not doing whatever he wants her to do.

Annie made her roommates laugh the other day when she told them that she had just received a telephone call from a guy she had dated for the first time the night before.

Rather than saying something sweet like "I miss you already", he had the audacity to ask her to pick up his dry cleaning as he was running late at work.

It was such a blatant manipulative ploy that Annie said "sorry, can’t do" straight away and very reluctantly decided to let the guy go. He was otherwise very nice. Had Annie acquiesced to this small favor, the mind boggles at what he would be asking her to do after their second date.

"Just because I’m not working right now, it doesn’t mean I’m available as a free domestic servant," explains Annie. "And just because I’m looking for a guy to settle down with, it doesn’t mean I’m willing to perform wifely duties before I’ve got a ring on my finger!"