self-help books boost survival

Ruth, 35, is in a very bad situation – being unemployed and caring for an ungrateful, tyrannical mother – and because she has no support in the community she survives by taking solace in the many self-help books and tapes she’s purchased over the years.

"From these books and tapes I’ve learned that there is no law that says a daughter has to sacrifice her life and her self-esteem for her mother," says Ruth, "and I am constantly feeding my soul with these positives in order to counteract the negatives I'm hearing from my mother, yet in my vulnerable moments I am still torn between listening to my inner guidance and listening to my mother and then I become wracked by guilt."

"I know that deep within me I do have the strength I need to take control of my life again,” confides Ruth. “I am not a child. I do not permit my mother or anyone else to take away my power and self-esteem. I do not have to tolerate negative behavior from anyone. I can leave my mother’s home any time I want to. I am not a prisoner, and my mother is not as incapacitated as she makes out she is."

“Listening to my mother nagging me to find another job had the effect of taking me back to my helpless childhood,” explains Ruth. “In a state of childlike regression, as I sank further into depression, my mother appeared to gain a strength I hadn’t seen in her for the fifteen years since I’d be working.”

“Self-help books and tapes are really helping me overcome this negative childhood socialization pattern - believing others know better than I do,” says Ruth, “and whenever I feel myself slipping into guilt, or rationalizing that my mother is not as bad as I intuitively know she is, I snap my fingers to wake me up!”

Read more of Ruth’s story:
suicidal caregiver
between job vulnerability
daughter raised to take care of mom
victimized then fired

someone listened, cared and shared

Sally is 25 and while she is struggling to support herself and children on a very low income she never regrets having children without the benefit of marriage and a double income.

"Whether you're a single working mother by choice, by accident or by divorce," says Sally, "by far the most supportive people in your life are going to be other single working moms and that's why I started a single moms club."

"These moms are not so much friends I hang out with," explains Sally. "It's mainly telephone support, but of course we meet up when necessary. Basically, we’re women who understand each other's needs and we support each other like a mother or a sister."

"My mother adores her grandchildren," says Sally, "but she’s of an age when she’s out there setting the world on fire and doing her own thing after years of raising me and getting herself established in a career. She doesn’t want the burden of sharing the raising of my children, and I don’t expect it of her."

"I’m an only child so friends are very important to me," adds Sally. "My mom was an only child, and a single mom like me, too, but unlike her I really wanted more kids. I didn’t want my kids to miss out on having sisters and brothers."

"It’s my decision, and I’m not going to burden my mom with the consequences of it."

"The main consequence, of course," laughs Sally, "is poverty. I just don't earn enough money to lead a good life, but we're happy all the same."

"Married working mothers may share many of our problems at work that are related to juggling work with raising a family," says Sally, "but their home lives are very different to ours. Some will have far more problems than we do on account of having an abusive or a dead-beat partner, but most will have far less problems than we do on account of having a partner who brings in a second income, shares the childcare and household duties and provides comfort and warmth when it's needed."

Sally says that the married women at work are not supportive of her, and neither are the single women. Only single working mothers can understand and empathize with her situation because they're going through similar troubles she is.

"The single moms club girls know what it's like to struggle to pay the bills on one income," says Sally.

"They know what it's like to have nobody to keep an eye on the kids when you just want to take a rest or duck down to the shops."

"They know what it's like to come home dog tired and have nobody to help with the chores. And, most important of all, they know what it's like to have nobody around to provide comfort and warmth when it's needed."

"It is mostly this natural need for comfort and warmth that draws single working mothers together," explains Sally. "A woman on her own with a child is a natural magnet for another woman alone with a child. And when friendships are formed, they are stronger than any other type of friendship."

At 9 p.m. when the kids are in bed and Sally feels a bit lonely, there's a single mom who feels just like she does. She calls one of her club friends, or they call her, and she has one of those long and convoluted discussions that only women appear to be capable of having. An hour or so later she turns in for the night, happy that someone listened, someone cared, someone shared.

With the friendship of several of these women Sally shares not only comfort and warmth but also a lot of mundane tasks. When she needs time to herself to go shopping, to visit a doctor, dentist or hairdresser, or just to have a night out with some cute guy, there is always a single working mother willing to take the kids off her hands. And she is more than willing to reciprocate.

"Their children get to know my children," says Sally, "and before long I've got a whole series of new extended families."

For the years up until her children turn 12, possibly 13, Sally believes that her life is going to be pretty much clear cut.

"I’ll go to work, come home and spend more time interacting with other single working mothers than anyone else. I’ll cling to them because they’re likely to be the only people capable of pulling me through these years."

Sally adds that often the only thing she has in common with the women in her single moms club is the fact that they’re all single working mothers.

"It’s likely," says Sally, "that when my children gain a bit of independence I’ll drift away from some of these women, but I’ll never forget them or cease being thankful for their support and friendship when I needed it most."