The superwoman myth

Marilyn is a single mom of 25 who recently moved from a reasonably paid part-time job to a high income full-time job in accordance with a plan she had worked out when her son was born.  She knew intuitively that she’d have plenty of time to set the world on fire when her son was older, and whenever she felt dragged down by her circumstances in part-time work, she always remembered the superwoman myth.

"Full-time, high income work involves responsibility, stress, deadlines and time constraints," says Marilyn, "and now that my son is 5 and settled into school I feel ready to give more to my job."

"When my son was very young," says Marilyn, "there was no way I could survive as a single mother and a top salary earner at the same time. Even if I had a personal fortune to employ an army of servants I would have still found it trying."

"Single moms who fall for the Superwoman myth risk not only their mental and physical health but that of their children, too," says Marilyn. "It isn’t worth it."

"Lack of money is a constant problem for some single moms," says Marilyn, "but I was lucky in working for a great employer who offered something a lot more important than money - such as the opportunity to work part-time, work flexible hours and a child-minding facility for emergencies."

"These are the things that new single moms should be concentrating on -- not money," says Marilyn, "and a part-time job is the very best way a working mother can earn a living and raise a family at the same time."

With part-time work, flexible working hours and child-minding facilities Marilyn was able to raise her son from birth without the stress of a high powered job.

"I certainly wasn't rich," laughs Marilyn, "but with tax benefits and child allowances I was definitely earning, hour for hour, a much higher salary in a part-time job than most working women."

"I'm now earning a lot more money doing full-time work," says Marilyn, "and frankly after five years of living quite well on a part-time salary I don't need all I get - so I'm saving heaps."

"Money," says Marilyn, "is by no means the source of all happiness in life, and when the job market narrows it is the people who are amenable to work for low salaries that are advantaged."

"Women who have always worked for financial consideration and nothing else really need to re-think their priorities," says Marilyn, "because they could find themselves out of a job."

"Of course," says Marilyn, "if a woman can achieve flexible working hours and child-minding facilities as well as a six-figure salary then all power to her!"

"For most of us, though," says Marilyn, "the Superwoman stereotype is a myth. One thing is usually gained at the expense of another and six-figure salaries often lead to health problems, family and relationship problems and spiritual death. This was not the world view I wanted to give to my son during his formative years and I feel sorry for children who miss out not only on having a father but also a mother there for them. As a part-time worker, I was able to be almost a full-time mother."

She appreciates that a lot of single mothers may be working like Trojans in order to set up their children for life, but she feels that if these mothers asked their kids "do you want mommy to be the highest paid working woman on the block, able to afford to buy you everything you want, or do you want more time with me?" the kids would want more time with mom.

"Ask any little kid," says Marilyn, "and they’d all want their moms to be home more for them, and most would be willing to give up whatever expensive toy mom just bought them in order to gain just an hour of her undivided attention."

Marilyn opted for part-time work rather than trying to be Superwoman, but she appreciates that a lot of other young moms choose to become financially dependent upon a man or welfare.

"It's not easy bringing up a child alone," says Marilyn, "and I applaud any young mom for whatever decision she makes but for those of us who opt to go it alone it is vitally important to have a good employer because otherwise you could get exploited and end up in poverty."

"Poverty is nasty but honestly," says Marilyn, "I would have preferred poverty to the stresses of being a superwoman. Being able to buy luxuries is no substitute for a mother who is there for her children during their formative years."

"I really enjoyed doing part-time work," says Marilyn, "because it gave me plenty of time with my baby as well as allowing me to maintain my financial independence and keep abreast of current trends at work."

It also kept her sane!

"Single moms need time off from their kids," says Marilyn, "and kids benefit from being with others, too. Even little babies."

Marilyn believes that all single working mothers should think very carefully before placing too much emphasis on money.

"Quitting a good job that does not pay as much as you would like to earn is not always a smart thing to do." says Marilyn. "There are some things that money cannot buy, and a good job that is amenable to your responsibilities as a single working mother is one of them, and another one is having the luxury of time to be there for your children."

a platonic friendship sours

Carol is a separated single mom and when her children turned 13 and 14 she had an urge to spread her wings, get back into the swing of life and do some good old-fashioned dating, but first she had to get a social life and was delighted when Ken, a charming man-about-town, took her under his wing and offered to introduce her into the party scene on a strictly platonic basis.

“All was going well until his kind invitations to tag along with him to functions and parties started to overwhelm me - every other night was a bit too much," laughs Carol. "I know I had a lot of catching up to do on the social scene, but I still had a fairly demanding job and two teenagers to look after."

“Also, the way Ken had started to jokingly refer to me as his ‘lady’ was ringing my alarm bells and when he finally professed love for her after three short weeks I was shocked,” says Carol. "I really didn't believe a word Ken said. I did not see love in his eyes, I did not see lust either, but then I was not looking for either so I could have missed the cues - but I don't believe I did."

"What I did start seeing, though, was a delusional man and this disturbed me," says Carol. "How can anyone claim to be in love with someone who hasn't shown the slightest bit of sexual interest in them and had offered me friendship on a purely platonic basis?”

All was going well until his kind invitations to tag along with him to functions and parties started to overwhelm her. "Every other night was a bit too much," laughs Carol. "I know I had a lot of catching up to do on the social scene, but I still had a fairly demanding job and two teenagers to look after."

Carol turned to her boss, John, for advice and he suggested that Ken might think she was playing hard to get, rather than being strictly on the level from the start about wanting friendship, nothing more. She then broached the topic with Ken and was aghast when he confessed to being in love with her and holding the belief that, in time, she would learn to love him.

"I had only known him for three weeks," laughs Carol, "and my intentions had been absolutely specific from the start. His confession really annoyed and disturbed me."

"I felt a curious mixture of anger and compassion towards him," explains Carol. "I told Ken as kindly as I could that he was wasting his time and that I had meant every word I said when we had first met - that I was not interested in a relationship, with him or anyone else."

"I also told him that I had just broken up with a long-term married lover and I desperately needed to get out and about and meet lots of new people."

 Driving her point home further, Carol then made it plain to Ken that she felt absolutely no attraction towards him whatsoever and felt it was grossly unfair of him to masquerade as a friend and burden her with this nonsense at a time when she was testing her wings.

"Ken went very quiet when I confronted him," says Carol, "and then he surprised me by saying that he clearly understood my position from the start and didn't mean to fall in love with me, he just did, and hoped against all odds that I would reciprocate."

"He then declared his situation to be a classic case of unrequited love - a declaration I found to be a bit dramatic - and then he said that under the circumstances it would be better if we didn't see each other again."

"I was relying on Ken to squire me about town so I was very upset by what had happened between us " says Carol. "After Ken went out of my life the wind went out of my sails."

"I just sat home wondering what I should do next." "I feared that if I went out alone again I would only find another Ken and go through a similar situation," says Carol, "and I just couldn't bear the thought of that happening again."

Within weeks of her confrontation with Ken, Carol drifted back to her arrangement with John and he was delighted.

"My experience with Ken only served to make me appreciate more the arrangement I had with John," confesses Carol. "Sure, I'm missing out on an exciting social life and probably lots of other things, too, but the price of those things was too high."

 It never occurred to Carol to ask herself the price she's paying for her arrangement with her married boss,John.

Read more about Carol:

an arrangement with the boss

a mercurial gemini

Pandora is a call centre supervisor - a job that is very much in keeping with her Gemini personality - and her partner, Sue-Ellen, was once one of the call centre girls that Pandora supervised. Since living together, Sue-Ellen was promoted to become Pandora's personal assistant and their combined incomes make them a very wealthy couple.

"I think finding love at work is the most natural thing on earth," laughs Pandora, "and when you work in a high turnover industry like a call-centre I knew it was only a matter of time before my soulmate turned up. And no, I'm not strictly lesbian. My soulmate could have been a girl or a boy."

"You see," laughs Pandora, "I'm a Gemini and although I'm intelligent enough to know that daily horoscopes are are largely manufactured drivel I believe that there must be some truth to astrology because I am exactly like what Geminis are supposed to be like."

"I met my partner, Sue-Ellen, in the very week my 26th birthday horoscope told me that I would meet my soul-mate," says Pandora. "Sue-Ellen applied for a job and I knew straight away that she was the one for me."

Because of this amazing coincidence, Pandora believes that her lesbian partnership has the blessing of the universe.

"Sue-Ellen and I have been together now for six months and I want to have a wedding ceremony - the works," laughs Pandora, "and everyone at the call-centre will be there. We are one big happy family at work and everyone is happy for us."

Before meeting Sue-Ellen, Pandora's life was consumed with the search for her perfect soul-mate. Male or female didn't matter.

"Geminis are supposed to roam the universe, or this astral plane, looking for a twin, their missing other half," explains Pandora, "and while I never traveled I always looked for love among the people at work."

"Also, Geminis often get into trouble because they end up with a fraternal twin rather than one of the same sex as themselves," adds Pandora, "and I am full of wonder for astrology because it appears to legitimize my bi-sexual nature."

Sue-Ellen agrees that the best way to get along with Pandora, and get ahead at work, is to think like her - to become her twin.

"Learning to think and act like a Gemini is not an easy task," laughs Sue-Ellen. "She really is the most versatile person I've ever met and makes most mortals giddy just listening to her or keeping up with her. She never stops."

"The moon and the sign of Cancer govern the financial affairs of Geminis," says Sue-Ellen, "so they are liable to periods of waxing and waning coffers, but overall Pandora always lands butter-side-up and is a very lucky gambler."

"I am sensitive about money," says Pandora. "Geminis can start up a business, make a fortune or lose it, and start all over again with the exact same result, but I have never ventured outside paid employment. I often consider it, though."

"Arguing with Pandora is a waste of time," says Sue-Ellen, "and that's supposed to be typical of Geminis, too. Pandora is incredibly proud of what she knows. And she knows a lot about her profession, particularly who's who in the communications world."

"I am definitely a communicative person," laughs Pandora. "If I'm not talking, I'm asleep!"

Geminis are noted for having minds like sponges, and Pandora admits that most of what she knows is superficial knowledge, but she does have an amazing ability to talk as if she knows what she's talking about. And when Pandora talks, she is a queen and demands the floor. She has a beautiful voice and great presentation skills. Pandora explains that this has something to do with sun-ruled Leo in the Gemini communication sector.

"Also, Geminis have Venus-ruled Libra in their affections sector which makes us notorious flirts, charmingly laid-back and incredibly 'nice' people," adds Pandora. "I always say good-morning and stop to chat with everyone at work - even the janitor. I make a point to ask everyone about his or her children, and I remember all of their names."

Pandora admits that she's not a very good bet for a romantic liaison because she can be hot one day, cold the next. Before Sue-Ellen came into her life she was involved with a guy at work and when the relationship cooled she fired him.

Sue-Ellen isn't worried that Pandora will tire of her one day. "I'm her soul mate," confides Sue-Ellen, "and I'm a Taurus, steady as a rock."

When it comes to work, Geminis just cannot be beaten for sheer determination and output and that's how Pandora got to be made a supervisor.

"I have a killer instinct for work and getting things done," says Pandora. "I can move mountains at lightning speed and I expect everyone in my team to be similarly hard working."

Geminis have Pluto ruled Scorpio in their work sector, and she can be extremely cunning and cruel when she wants to get the goods on someone at work.

"Yes," laughs Pandora, "I'm a great sleuth and I keep a close watch on my team. I have installed listening devices, spy cameras and other little tricks to catch my team napping or behaving unethically at work. Sue-Ellen doesn't know half of the things I get up to!"

Geminis are supposed to be forgiving and reasonably fair-minded, providing sufficient regret and sorrow is expressed, but Pandora is very selective on forgiveness.

"Perhaps this comes from having erratic Uranus ruling Aquarius in my law and order sector," explains Pandora. "I forgive when it suits me, but I never forgive ex-lovers. If a lover displeases me, they're dead meat and too bad if they lose their jobs!"

"What I really like about Pandora is that she doesn't stand on ceremony and actually believes that Jack can be as good as his Master," says Sue-Ellen.

"Yes," agrees Pandora. "I do appreciate talent in my team and I will allow it to shine. I think this trait is very much in tune with the Gemini 'twin' seeking trait."

"My ideal twin, or employee," says Pandora, "is someone who thinks like a Gemini but possess the exact talents and qualities that I lack. I am talkative and Sue-Ellen is a good listener. I am flighty and Sue-Ellen is stable. We make a great team don't we?"

Because of dreamy Neptune ruled Pisces in their tenth house of ambitions, Geminis often have a nebulous air about them and very often find fame and fortune overseas or in areas dealing with water.

"I've never traveled and I can't swim," laughs Pandora, "but I am very attracted to exotic people and I adore the fish-tank at work. I can sit there for hours watching the fish swimming around without exactly knowing why I'm fascinated by it."

Pandora also admits that she often concentrates so much on her right hand that she does not know what her left hand is doing, and feels that she can be deceptive to herself as well as others.

Sue-Ellen not only accepts these traits in Pandora, but loves them!

Another trait in others that Pandora appreciates is assertion.

"I feel that I am often too nice for my own good," says Pandora, "and I need someone around who can act like the boss when I just want to be 'nice'."

Pandora always uses a loyal fall guy to stick his or her head out for her, knowing that it will get chopped off - hardly a 'nice' trait, but it certainly does allow her to look 'nice'.

"Sue-Ellen makes a good minder for me," laughs Pandora. "She's a big girl, solid and tough and frightens people!"

Aries ruled Mars in their house of friendship means that Geminis are often combative towards people, or attract combative associates.

"Yes," muses Pandora, "I suppose this is true. I get along well with Leos and Libras. They are tough yet charming people, but I have never been attracted to them as a 'twin' because they are too full of their own importance. Too pushy for me. Taurus people like Sue-Ellen are just tough!"

Sue-Ellen, the rock-solid pragmatist, looks like the 'butch' or the male element in this relationship, and yet Pandora is decidedly the leader, the boss.

They are both proud to admit to their lesbian love, but their private life together is very much private. If they get along as well together at home as they do at work, then their relationship is likely to be as lasting - if not more so - as that of a heterosexual couple.

"We complement each other, we need each other. We're in this for keeps," asserts Sue-Ellen.

"Of course, we are," agrees Pandora. "We've been together now for six months, and that's a record for me, so this is definitely the real thing."

"Whoever says that love at work should be avoided at all costs should spend some time here," laughs Pandora. "Just about everyone who works here has had some romantic involvement with a supervisor, boss or co-worker. I can't imagine a place where it doesn't happen."

(Pandora's story first appeared as soul mates meet at work and is reprinted with permission.)

real-life friendship dies online

Libby, a single working mom, is a social animal - she loves an occasional night out and she is a loyal and caring friend to many people - male and female - so real life friendships are vitally important for her wellbeing and when her special friend, Toby, turned into a virtual friend she felt intense loss.

"I'm not a computer person," explains Libby. "I work with the things - and play around with e-mail and the Internet at work, very discretely, but I wouldn't want a PC at home."

"At first it was a novelty to dash off e-mails to Toby," explains Libby, "but e-mail ultimately killed our friendship."

"Before Toby got online at home we used to call each other often and meet a couple of times a year with the old gang," adds Libby, "but all of this changed when he started e-mailing me at work."

"Instead of surprise telephone calls and delightful face-to-face meetings I received lots of hastily written electronic messages from him."

"At first it looked like the daily messages were bringing us closer together than we had ever been," explains Libby, "but they were merely an exchange of mundane information that neither of us really wanted or needed."

"After a while, we both tired of the daily e-mailing sessions and settled into a monthly catch-up e-mail. This went on for about six months and then one month Toby didn't respond."

"I sent him a couple of subsequent emails inquiring if everything was okay, or if I had said something that had offended him, but he never replied," explains Libby. "I know he received and read the emails because I had enabled the 'acknowledge read' facility."

"I tried to telephone him but his line was engaged - I suppose he was connected to the Net - and I admit that I could have made an effort to visit him, or write him a letter, but the e-mail friendship to which we had devolved had robbed us of normal friendly relations."

"It's hard to explain," sighs Libby, "but I didn't feel right about intruding into his private life. He was shutting me out for a reason and I just had to accept that."

Read more by Libby on this issue:

ideal couple split by net

Facebook friend mining

Facebook friends

Single mom resents e-relationships at work