surviving death of a loved one
Emily’s trusted guide after the death of her husband, Mark, was a wonderful book that became her bible - ‘Death and Dying’ by Dr Kubler-Ross - to which she attributes her survival."Although related to death and dying," explains Emily, "the renowned five stages of coping outlined by Dr Kubler-Ross in her book ‘Death and Dying’ can be successfully applied to any loss."
"The five stages of coping are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance," adds Emily, "and rather than the rational and often brutal way that society expects us to cope with death of a partner - pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there and get yourself another man - I highly recommend the Kubler-Ross spiritual approach to the transition."
"Death of a loved one is at the top of the stress scales," says Emily, "and for a while after Mark's death I feared I would succumb to illness - over and above depression - but my job and Dr Kubler-Ross's book got me through."
"For a lot of widows experiencing sudden death of a partner, denial must play a large part in their recovery process, but not with me."
"I remember being very angry that Mark had died leaving me with so many debts," confides Emily, "and I hated myself for being so insensitive. But looking back I realize how normal and natural my anger had been. Dr Kubler-Ross's explanation of the anger stage of recovery is so true."
"When it finally sunk in that I was now a widow, an overwhelming feeling of anger and resentment did build up."
"This was natural," says Emily. I didn't fight it. I just let it happen. I had every right to be angry. No matter how long a woman has been married, the anger is just as valid, just as strong."
Emily says that there may be intense anger towards the deceased husband and sometimes a great deal of resentment flares up when a widow is forced to keep company with women with healthy, living husbands.
"I found myself thinking: I am better than they are. I am younger than they are. I deserve better from life than ending up a widow."
"The bargaining stage of recovery is a phase that not all widows go through," explains Emily, "or go through in the same manner. It differs according to the circumstances."
"The depression stage of recovery was a very big and very long phase for me," says Emily. "I don't mean clinical depression, the type you need medication for, but just plain sadness, misery and pessimism – and then one day it ended, and I finally found acceptance.”
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Labels: death, death and dying, kubler ross, survival
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