jilted men make bad friends

Lorna, a single working mom, was on the brink of taking her first holiday in fourteen years since the kids were born when Derek from the sales department at work asked her out for dinner.

"I hesitated to accept Derek's dinner invitation because I wasn't attracted to him," confides Lorna, "but since I was on a high about going away I ignored my gut feelings and felt there could be no harm in having dinner with him."

"Derek had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and needed a bit of company," explains Lorna, "and although I had never been out alone with him before, I thought that having dinner with him was the least I could do to help cheer him up."

"It really is a mistake to think of not hurting the other person's feelings" explains Lorna, "but I trusted that Derek liked me well enough as a friend - and valued our platonic friendship sufficiently - not to spoil it by doing something silly."

However, Lorna was to discover that a friendly dinner to celebrate her forthcoming trip was not what Derek had in mind.

"For someone who is always groomed and dressed impeccably, always punctual, always seen in the very best places and always plans everything to the finest detail," laughs Lorna, "imagine my shock when Derek arrived an hour late at my place, looking like an old tramp and casually asked me "Any places to eat around here?"

"I truly hadn't felt like going out that night and I had made a special effort to feed the kids early and put on a nice dress because I didn't want to insult him by not changing out of my work clothes," says Lorna.

"I really resented the thought of driving around trying to find a place to eat when I was hungry, and had far more important things to do with my life than hang around waiting for people to show up."

"I felt hurt and angry that he'd treat me so shabbily," confides Lorna. "I had only agreed to dinner on his insistence so as not to hurt his feelings and I told him that if this is his idea of taking me out for dinner then let's forget it."

"Derek just laughed and said I was making a big deal about nothing," relates Lorna, "so I gave him the benefit of the doubt - another big mistake - and after telling the kids that I would be home before 11pm, I left with Derek and after a bit of driving around we luckily we found a local restaurant that had a spare table."

"I felt ashamed to be seen out with him," confesses Lorna. "He looked awful. I desperately hoped that nobody I knew would see me with him. The evening had started badly and worse was in store for me!"

When they were seated and settled with drinks, Derek started what was to become a constant barrage of uncharacteristically rude and belligerent behavior.

Lorna's smoking had never bothered Derek before - she was one of many smokers at work - but when she lit up he made a big fuss waving smoke away from the table and loudly declaring it to be a filthy habit.

"We were in the smoking area of an al fresco restaurant, and other people smoking nearby understandably glared at him," explains Lorna.

"He then started criticizing just about everything about me, my aims, my lifestyle, my lack of a husband, etc., but what really upset me was the subtle way he tried to spoil my forthcoming trip overseas."

"Derek proclaimed that I going at the wrong time of year, I was flying with the wrong airline, and I would be mugged or raped traveling alone," explains Lorna. "And then he started on a series of snide comments in relation to a man I might be traveling with, or meeting overseas, for some passionate interlude."

This trip overseas was something Lorna had dreamed about and had planned for years, and there she was sitting opposite this man, trapped, absolutely aghast, listening to him trying to spoil everything for her - six days before she was due to leave.

Before the main course arrived, the penny had dropped.

"Derek's dinner invitation had been set up to entrap me and insult me," explains Lorna. "Why? Don't ask me - but I suppose he was projecting all his anger at his girlfriend on to me and I suppose he was also jealous that I was going away and he wasn't. I think the psychologists call it transference or something."

Not wanting to create a scene, or show him that she was overly offended by anything he said, Lorna kept calm and friendly, thanked him for the lovely dinner, refused dessert, claimed tiredness and said she would find her own way home - and left!

"I have to face Derek at work so there was no point in getting hot and bothered about the way he treated me," explains Lorna. "I just put the incident down to experience and won't be accepting any more dinner dates from men at work and especially those I'm not attracted to!"

looked for love, found direction

Women looking for a new direction, particularly after divorce or losing a job, have started some very successful businesses and Linda, a childless woman of 34, is living proof of that. She’s a professional manhunter!

Linda started a computer dating service after her marriage broke up. She was looking for a new guy as well as a new source of income, and because she was wasting so much time and money on personal ads and attending singles functions she thought that she could kill two birds with one stone - and she did. She started dating the twelfth man who signed up with her computer dating service.

"He’s not the guy I want to marry," explains Linda, "he’s just a guy who’s quite happy to be Mr Wrong until Mr Right walks in the door!"

"A lot of my clients are separated or unemployed women," says Linda, "and I always advise them that as well as looking for a guy they could be looking at starting their own businesses. They have plenty of time on their hands, and it really doesn’t cost as much as they think it does to get a business off the ground."

Linda concedes that some businesses do need a lot of capital, but her business was very simply set up and needed nothing more than an advertisement in the local newspaper to get it running.

"This is a local computing dating service," explains Linda. "I wouldn't want to overextend myself by getting on to the Internet. There are far too many dating services online already."

If her female clients have a brilliant idea and they’re fired with enthusiasm, then Linda advises them to go for it. As Linda tells them: if you never try, you will probably regret it for the rest of your life.

"It doesn’t have to be a completely new idea," says Linda, "a new twist on something old is often the most brilliant idea of all. My new twist on the dating agency idea was to arrange a novel - and very safe - place for the couple to meet for the first time."

The venue for her very first arranged meeting was for the couple to meet outside a police station.

"What could be safer than that!" laughs Linda.

Linda is aware that some women are entitled to get government assistance to start up a business, so if a business needs capital then Linda advises her female clients to try that avenue before expending their life savings. Most businesses take several years to start making a return sufficient to pay wages and expenses, so Linda believes that starting a business with government assistance, if you can, is the best way to go. Her dating agency was a financial success straight away, but Linda was almost guaranteed that success because of her contacts and research.

"Self-employment is a wonderful new direction to take," says Linda, "but I always advise my female clients not to give up their day job - if they have one - until they start to make a profit. I also advise them to do a lot of sniffing around to make sure that what they are selling is what people want to buy. Pouring too much time, energy and money into something that is not going to pay off for years and years - if ever - is not good business sense."

Linda didn’t get a professional opinion on her business idea, but she believes most business ideas do need the investment of a professional opinion. She did, however, read as much as she could about starting a business and made a point to ask questions.

"Many small business operators are happy to answer questions," explains Linda, "and I asked as many questions as I needed to."

Linda also did her research while she was out and about as a newly separated woman looking for a new guy. She heard about all the other dating agencies - their good points and their bad points - and came up with a brilliant idea of her own that really worked.

"You don't want to reinvent the wheel and you don't want to make the same mistakes others have made, do you?" says Linda. "That’s why it’s so important to ask questions and do lots of research."
For women who do not yet have a brilliant idea then a good tip from Linda is to choose a business area that is going to flourish in future years.

"You may not need to look any further than your nose," laughs Linda. "The generation that is about to retire - the Baby Boomers - is one that everyone predicts is going to spearhead a great change in the economy of the future."

Linda believes that a business in the personal and household services area; the entertainment and leisure industries; healthcare; the travel and hospitality industries; real estate and financial planning - anything that the retiring Baby Boomers are going to need in their advancing years - is an excellent bet.

Finding another guy quickly after separation seems to be the main preoccupation of some suddenly-single women, but the separation period itself seems to inspire most women to do new and wonderful things with their lives. And Linda loves to help women find success and happiness in their new lives.

"The more I empower other women," explains Linda, "the more I empower myself."

One area Linda warns women about when they are thinking of starting a business is the Internet. Linda herself has plans for starting a New Age business on the Internet, but she is not going to start it until the recession is well and truly over - and then she is not going to invest much money in it until about 2004. She’s planning on the retiring Baby Boomers being her main customers, but they won’t be a real market force until 2006.

Also, Linda says it is never too late to start your own business. With the job market being particularly difficult for older women right now, it makes good sense to start looking at all your options and start building the foundations of what you would really like to be doing with the rest of your working life.

"If you're having trouble at 40 hanging on to your job, or trying to find a job," says Linda, "then imagine the difficulties you will face at 50. A lot of women in this situation think that having a man will solve their financial problems, but it won’t."

"I had a woman of 60 sign up with me," says Linda, "and I told her quite honestly that finding a man is not a smart thing for her to be doing. She had saved sufficient funds to be able to retire permanently from the workforce, and starting a business at her age would definitely give her a far more brilliant new lease on life than a man would."

"Women really need to take charge of their lives," says Linda. "I’d love to re-marry but thinking that a man will take care of me financially is being naïve. Separated women have a great new direction in life, and while it’s nice to have a boyfriend, having a business of my own is far nicer!"

a mercurial gemini

Pandora is a call centre supervisor - a job that is very much in keeping with her Gemini personality - and her partner, Sue-Ellen, was once one of the call centre girls that Pandora supervised. Since living together, Sue-Ellen was promoted to become Pandora's personal assistant and their combined incomes make them a very wealthy couple.

"I think finding love at work is the most natural thing on earth," laughs Pandora, "and when you work in a high turnover industry like a call-centre I knew it was only a matter of time before my soulmate turned up. And no, I'm not strictly lesbian. My soulmate could have been a girl or a boy."

"You see," laughs Pandora, "I'm a Gemini and although I'm intelligent enough to know that daily horoscopes are are largely manufactured drivel I believe that there must be some truth to astrology because I am exactly like what Geminis are supposed to be like."

"I met my partner, Sue-Ellen, in the very week my 26th birthday horoscope told me that I would meet my soul-mate," says Pandora. "Sue-Ellen applied for a job and I knew straight away that she was the one for me."

Because of this amazing coincidence, Pandora believes that her lesbian partnership has the blessing of the universe.

"Sue-Ellen and I have been together now for six months and I want to have a wedding ceremony - the works," laughs Pandora, "and everyone at the call-centre will be there. We are one big happy family at work and everyone is happy for us."

Before meeting Sue-Ellen, Pandora's life was consumed with the search for her perfect soul-mate. Male or female didn't matter.

"Geminis are supposed to roam the universe, or this astral plane, looking for a twin, their missing other half," explains Pandora, "and while I never traveled I always looked for love among the people at work."

"Also, Geminis often get into trouble because they end up with a fraternal twin rather than one of the same sex as themselves," adds Pandora, "and I am full of wonder for astrology because it appears to legitimize my bi-sexual nature."

Sue-Ellen agrees that the best way to get along with Pandora, and get ahead at work, is to think like her - to become her twin.

"Learning to think and act like a Gemini is not an easy task," laughs Sue-Ellen. "She really is the most versatile person I've ever met and makes most mortals giddy just listening to her or keeping up with her. She never stops."

"The moon and the sign of Cancer govern the financial affairs of Geminis," says Sue-Ellen, "so they are liable to periods of waxing and waning coffers, but overall Pandora always lands butter-side-up and is a very lucky gambler."

"I am sensitive about money," says Pandora. "Geminis can start up a business, make a fortune or lose it, and start all over again with the exact same result, but I have never ventured outside paid employment. I often consider it, though."

"Arguing with Pandora is a waste of time," says Sue-Ellen, "and that's supposed to be typical of Geminis, too. Pandora is incredibly proud of what she knows. And she knows a lot about her profession, particularly who's who in the communications world."

"I am definitely a communicative person," laughs Pandora. "If I'm not talking, I'm asleep!"

Geminis are noted for having minds like sponges, and Pandora admits that most of what she knows is superficial knowledge, but she does have an amazing ability to talk as if she knows what she's talking about. And when Pandora talks, she is a queen and demands the floor. She has a beautiful voice and great presentation skills. Pandora explains that this has something to do with sun-ruled Leo in the Gemini communication sector.

"Also, Geminis have Venus-ruled Libra in their affections sector which makes us notorious flirts, charmingly laid-back and incredibly 'nice' people," adds Pandora. "I always say good-morning and stop to chat with everyone at work - even the janitor. I make a point to ask everyone about his or her children, and I remember all of their names."

Pandora admits that she's not a very good bet for a romantic liaison because she can be hot one day, cold the next. Before Sue-Ellen came into her life she was involved with a guy at work and when the relationship cooled she fired him.

Sue-Ellen isn't worried that Pandora will tire of her one day. "I'm her soul mate," confides Sue-Ellen, "and I'm a Taurus, steady as a rock."

When it comes to work, Geminis just cannot be beaten for sheer determination and output and that's how Pandora got to be made a supervisor.

"I have a killer instinct for work and getting things done," says Pandora. "I can move mountains at lightning speed and I expect everyone in my team to be similarly hard working."

Geminis have Pluto ruled Scorpio in their work sector, and she can be extremely cunning and cruel when she wants to get the goods on someone at work.

"Yes," laughs Pandora, "I'm a great sleuth and I keep a close watch on my team. I have installed listening devices, spy cameras and other little tricks to catch my team napping or behaving unethically at work. Sue-Ellen doesn't know half of the things I get up to!"

Geminis are supposed to be forgiving and reasonably fair-minded, providing sufficient regret and sorrow is expressed, but Pandora is very selective on forgiveness.

"Perhaps this comes from having erratic Uranus ruling Aquarius in my law and order sector," explains Pandora. "I forgive when it suits me, but I never forgive ex-lovers. If a lover displeases me, they're dead meat and too bad if they lose their jobs!"

"What I really like about Pandora is that she doesn't stand on ceremony and actually believes that Jack can be as good as his Master," says Sue-Ellen.

"Yes," agrees Pandora. "I do appreciate talent in my team and I will allow it to shine. I think this trait is very much in tune with the Gemini 'twin' seeking trait."

"My ideal twin, or employee," says Pandora, "is someone who thinks like a Gemini but possess the exact talents and qualities that I lack. I am talkative and Sue-Ellen is a good listener. I am flighty and Sue-Ellen is stable. We make a great team don't we?"

Because of dreamy Neptune ruled Pisces in their tenth house of ambitions, Geminis often have a nebulous air about them and very often find fame and fortune overseas or in areas dealing with water.

"I've never traveled and I can't swim," laughs Pandora, "but I am very attracted to exotic people and I adore the fish-tank at work. I can sit there for hours watching the fish swimming around without exactly knowing why I'm fascinated by it."

Pandora also admits that she often concentrates so much on her right hand that she does not know what her left hand is doing, and feels that she can be deceptive to herself as well as others.

Sue-Ellen not only accepts these traits in Pandora, but loves them!

Another trait in others that Pandora appreciates is assertion.

"I feel that I am often too nice for my own good," says Pandora, "and I need someone around who can act like the boss when I just want to be 'nice'."

Pandora always uses a loyal fall guy to stick his or her head out for her, knowing that it will get chopped off - hardly a 'nice' trait, but it certainly does allow her to look 'nice'.

"Sue-Ellen makes a good minder for me," laughs Pandora. "She's a big girl, solid and tough and frightens people!"

Aries ruled Mars in their house of friendship means that Geminis are often combative towards people, or attract combative associates.

"Yes," muses Pandora, "I suppose this is true. I get along well with Leos and Libras. They are tough yet charming people, but I have never been attracted to them as a 'twin' because they are too full of their own importance. Too pushy for me. Taurus people like Sue-Ellen are just tough!"

Sue-Ellen, the rock-solid pragmatist, looks like the 'butch' or the male element in this relationship, and yet Pandora is decidedly the leader, the boss.

They are both proud to admit to their lesbian love, but their private life together is very much private. If they get along as well together at home as they do at work, then their relationship is likely to be as lasting - if not more so - as that of a heterosexual couple.

"We complement each other, we need each other. We're in this for keeps," asserts Sue-Ellen.

"Of course, we are," agrees Pandora. "We've been together now for six months, and that's a record for me, so this is definitely the real thing."

"Whoever says that love at work should be avoided at all costs should spend some time here," laughs Pandora. "Just about everyone who works here has had some romantic involvement with a supervisor, boss or co-worker. I can't imagine a place where it doesn't happen."

(Pandora's story first appeared as soul mates meet at work and is reprinted with permission.)