a platonic friendship sours

Carol is a separated single mom and when her children turned 13 and 14 she had an urge to spread her wings, get back into the swing of life and do some good old-fashioned dating, but first she had to get a social life and was delighted when Ken, a charming man-about-town, took her under his wing and offered to introduce her into the party scene on a strictly platonic basis.

“All was going well until his kind invitations to tag along with him to functions and parties started to overwhelm me - every other night was a bit too much," laughs Carol. "I know I had a lot of catching up to do on the social scene, but I still had a fairly demanding job and two teenagers to look after."

“Also, the way Ken had started to jokingly refer to me as his ‘lady’ was ringing my alarm bells and when he finally professed love for her after three short weeks I was shocked,” says Carol. "I really didn't believe a word Ken said. I did not see love in his eyes, I did not see lust either, but then I was not looking for either so I could have missed the cues - but I don't believe I did."

"What I did start seeing, though, was a delusional man and this disturbed me," says Carol. "How can anyone claim to be in love with someone who hasn't shown the slightest bit of sexual interest in them and had offered me friendship on a purely platonic basis?”

All was going well until his kind invitations to tag along with him to functions and parties started to overwhelm her. "Every other night was a bit too much," laughs Carol. "I know I had a lot of catching up to do on the social scene, but I still had a fairly demanding job and two teenagers to look after."

Carol turned to her boss, John, for advice and he suggested that Ken might think she was playing hard to get, rather than being strictly on the level from the start about wanting friendship, nothing more. She then broached the topic with Ken and was aghast when he confessed to being in love with her and holding the belief that, in time, she would learn to love him.

"I had only known him for three weeks," laughs Carol, "and my intentions had been absolutely specific from the start. His confession really annoyed and disturbed me."

"I felt a curious mixture of anger and compassion towards him," explains Carol. "I told Ken as kindly as I could that he was wasting his time and that I had meant every word I said when we had first met - that I was not interested in a relationship, with him or anyone else."

"I also told him that I had just broken up with a long-term married lover and I desperately needed to get out and about and meet lots of new people."

 Driving her point home further, Carol then made it plain to Ken that she felt absolutely no attraction towards him whatsoever and felt it was grossly unfair of him to masquerade as a friend and burden her with this nonsense at a time when she was testing her wings.

"Ken went very quiet when I confronted him," says Carol, "and then he surprised me by saying that he clearly understood my position from the start and didn't mean to fall in love with me, he just did, and hoped against all odds that I would reciprocate."

"He then declared his situation to be a classic case of unrequited love - a declaration I found to be a bit dramatic - and then he said that under the circumstances it would be better if we didn't see each other again."

"I was relying on Ken to squire me about town so I was very upset by what had happened between us " says Carol. "After Ken went out of my life the wind went out of my sails."

"I just sat home wondering what I should do next." "I feared that if I went out alone again I would only find another Ken and go through a similar situation," says Carol, "and I just couldn't bear the thought of that happening again."

Within weeks of her confrontation with Ken, Carol drifted back to her arrangement with John and he was delighted.

"My experience with Ken only served to make me appreciate more the arrangement I had with John," confesses Carol. "Sure, I'm missing out on an exciting social life and probably lots of other things, too, but the price of those things was too high."

 It never occurred to Carol to ask herself the price she's paying for her arrangement with her married boss,John.

Read more about Carol:

an arrangement with the boss

the elements of love

Cassandra is 31 and lives at home -- caring for aging parents -- and while she would like to lead a more mainstream life she is more interested in finding a guy than asserting her independence and to this end she dabbles in astrology and a bit of witchcraft.

"I'm a Taurus, a good witch, and I tend to be a bit of a homebody," laughs Cassandra, "so getting married and having a home of my own is more important to me than anything else."

"I use witchcraft and astrology to help me find a compatible guy," says Cassandra, "and I do it for my friends, too."

"I give my friends the thumbs up or the thumbs down when they tell me the birthday of a new guy they’ve met," laughs Cassandra, "but they go ahead and do what they like despite what they hear."

"Contrary to popular astrology -- that we are attracted to people whose sun signs are compatible with ours," says Cassandra, "I've found that the sun sign we are most attracted to is the one immediately preceding or following our own which -- in terms of element and modality -- is different from ours in every respect. And when you think about it, doesn't that make good sense?"

"What woman in her right mind wants to fall in love with a male version of herself?"

"Oh, a Gemini woman might," laughs Cassandra, "but let's ignore the implications of that for the purpose of this exercise."

"The common belief is that people of the same element - fire, air, water or earth - have a natural attraction for each other," says Cassandra. "The three fire signs Aries, Leo and Sagittarius are hot stuff together; the three air signs Gemini, Libra and Aquarius are blown away by each other; the three water signs Pisces, Cancer and Scorpio are in moist heaven with each other; and the three earth signs Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn are pretty earthy about their desires together."

"Furthermore," adds Cassandra, "it's believed that fire signs and air signs and attracted to each other, as are water signs and earth signs. It's easy to see that air signs could fan the passions of fire signs, but doesn't fire do terrible things to air? Similarly, I agree that a bit of water could do wonders for some dry earth type, but too much could turn to mud and neither water nor earth would profit from the union."

"While it might be comfortable to be with a person of the same element for a short length of time," laughs Cassandra, "it would be pretty boring or downright dangerous to confine oneself to the same element."

"Two fire signs could start an inferno; two air signs could start a tornado; two water signs could start a flood; and two earth signs could make a mountain out of a molehill."

"Also, we must bear in mind that some people have strong fire, air, water or earth charts even though their sun signs may not be such. So judging a person by their sun sign alone is not always a good indication of how they tick."

"I use the modalities as a more useful way to assess attraction," says Cassandra. "Signs are either fixed (Scorpio, Taurus, Leo and Aquarius), mutable (Pisces, Gemini, Virgo and Sagittarius) or cardinal (Capricorn, Libra, Aries and Cancer)."

"Signs of the same modality are generally reasonably attracted to each other," explains Cassandra, "but for the same reason as mentioned above for elements, a long-term union of 'sameness' could be boring or harmful. Two fixed signs would never give the other the stimulus to change; two mutable signs would never give the other some necessary stability; and two cardinal signs would never stop competing with each other."

"For balance and amazing attraction, the sort of fascination that can last a lifetime," says Cassandra, "I believe that what we need is someone who is totally different to us in both element and modality."

"Frequently," says Cassandra, "this person is of the sun sign immediately preceding or following our own, but can also be of the sun sign immediately preceding or following our opposite sign."

"For instance, the mutable air sign of Gemini would find mutual attraction of an amazing kind with a fixed earth sign Taurus, a cardinal water sign Cancer, a fixed water sign Scorpio or a cardinal earth sign Capricorn."

"So, next time you see a popular astrology book telling you how incompatible you will be with someone of a different element or modality," laughs Cassandra, "don't believe a word of it."

"Actually, because we are far more than our respective sun signs it is a bit silly to think only in terms of sun signs when assessing attraction."

"When you think about love and attraction, you need to take into account each person's placement of Venus, Mars and the Moon - but particularly Venus."

"You don’t always need an astrologer to work this out for you," says Cassandra. "Venus doesn't travel more than two signs from a person's sun sign, so the probability is high that if you are attracted to a person whose sun sign immediately precedes or follows your own their Venus is hitting your sun. And that is a lovely aspect for compatibility."

"Wouldn't you prefer to have steam from a fire and water combination than mud from an earth and water combination?" laughs Cassandra.

"I know I would and that's why I take no notice of what the astrology books say about astrological compatibility,"

"Also, I don't take any notice of what everyone says about being over the hill at 31," laughs Cassandra. "I think maturity is sexy in both men and women."