manipulative telephone tricks

Jemima is 37 and still looking for Mr Right, even though she has two children by Mr Wrong. Because she’s unable to go out at night she does most of her man hunting via the telephone.

"It’s a lousy way to find a guy, and it exposes me to some awful creeps," admits Jemima, "but what else can I do? How else can a single mom find a guy?"

If nothing else, spending so much time on the telephone has made Jemima an expert on guys who manipulate women via the telephone and she's learned not to waste her breath on time wasters and manipulators.

"These guys," explains Jemima, "have a preference for conducting all of their romantic overtures over the telephone. I’ve come across all types. Their reluctance for face to face dealings has a lot to do with their body language giving too much away, but they are also likely to be lazy cheapskates - not wanting to get out of their comfortable armchairs or to waste their hard screwed money on the normal costs of meeting women face to face."

"These guys use the telephone in preference to e-mail or letters. They will never, ever put anything in writing because it is far too incriminating," laughs Jemima.

Jemima maintains that the first clue that she's dealing with a manipulator is when she rings and gets an answering machine or an answering services.

"To answer a telephone directly puts them on the spot, and that", explains Jemima, "is something they are very good at avoiding because they know that screwing involves being in total charge of all situations."

"When you receive a telephone call from a screwer," says Jemima, "his advantage is surprise. He wants to put you on the spot. He also has a propensity to hit you with last minute bombshells in order to enforce a hasty decision from you."

"Another one of their screwing tactics - a covert one - is to tape record their telephone conversations with women," confides Jemima. "I know this is happening when I hear a strange ‘click’ every now and again, and they will say ‘excuse me for a minute’ and say that they are visiting the bathroom when they are really changing the tape."

"Actually," says Jemima, "the ‘excuse me for a minute’ can be a screw in itself in that sometimes the guy just doesn’t come back at all. A genuine bathroom visit should not take longer than 3 minutes, and if he has not returned by then I hang up. If he is genuine, he will call back and apologize."

For the rare screwers who do answer the telephone personally, Jemima says there are two little tricks they can play to unnerve women.

"One is to disguise their voice so you think you are speaking to someone else and, after hearing out the message you want to leave for him, he will change his voice back to normal and make you feel stupid for not realizing it was him all the time."

"When this screw was played on me by one guy it was not done as a joke." says Jemima. "It was intended to unnerve me and belittle me."

"The other trick, far more common," says Jemima, "is when a guy answers the telephone in a really filthy mood. When faced with a snarled ‘yes’ at the other end of the line, rather than a pleasant ‘hello’, a girl is immediately at their mercy."

"In both of the above situations, unless I have an urgent message - and in the first case I have already given it to him I just say: 'I can hear I’ve called at a bad time. When you feel better, call me some time' - and I hang up, switch on my answering machine and refuse to take any calls from him that night."

"Guys really get in a bad mood after being foiled," laughs Jemima, "but I don’t see why I should expose myself to any more nonsense by making it easy for manipulators to continue to annoy me."

"If a guy always snarls when he answers the telephone," says Jemima, "I give up on him as quickly as I can."

"Actually," confides Jemima, "when I need to contact a guy I prefer to send an email or a greetings card. I am really not into telephones. I want a guy in my life, not at the end of a telephone line."

"Sending an email or a card is also a good ploy for the guy who never returns calls within a reasonable period of time," says Jemima. "Of course, if he fails to reply to my email or postcard, I write him off."

"I would never want to be obviously far more interested in a man than he is in me," says Jemima. "I'm doing all this to find Mr Right, and my idea of Mr Right is someone who loves me and wants to be with me and take care of me and my children."

"By the way," adds Jemima, "if I am speaking on the telephone to a man I don’t know very well I never, ever, give him my full name and address - and particularly not my children’s names and where they go to school."

"The bad guys always try to wheedle this information out of me - or put me on the spot - and I always tell them upfront that decent guys don’t ask such questions and then I hang up on them."

There is also a type of telephone tyrant that Jemima calls the 'cut off artist'.

"His trick is to deliberately create an upsetting situation with you, and then cut you off peremptorily - perhaps calling you back a couple of hours later and making up some lie about the line going dead." says Jemima.

"This guy wants to upset you and then leave you stewing without an opportunity to sort things out with him."

"A really clever trick of the cut off artist - usually when they have aroused your interest - is to play the "hello, hello, I can't hear you, I think my line is dead" trick before hanging up, leaving you confused and unable to call them back."

"I really don't know why so many guys think that manipulating a woman is the quickest way to her heart," sighs Jemima, "but I guess some women confuse mistreatment with love or something."

"Not me, not any more," laughs Jemima, "I've developed killer instincts! I know what I want and I'm not letting the creeps out there deter me from finding Mr Right."

"Yes," admits Jemima, "I've learned so much from the telephone creeps that I've probably become a telephone manipulator myself - but that's the law of the jungle, isn't it? Eat or get eaten."

"I've got children to protect," claims Jemima, "and I can't be too careful in the precautions I take."

Jemima has already changed her telephone number three times. The first time she changed her telephone number was when she started receiving anonymous ‘heavy breathing’ calls; the second time was when she started receiving anonymous abusive messages on her answering machine; and the third time was when an ex-boyfriend pestered her with begging calls to get back together with him.

"Another type of telephone manipulator," confides Jemima, "is the guy who just wants to waste your time on the telephone - rather than taking you out on a real date. This guy calls for a three-hour cozy chat - either to offload his troubles onto you or to talk dirty to you."

"I give these guys short shrift," laughs Jemima. "I put them on the spot and say ‘I can't talk to you now, how about we meet for coffee on Saturday at 3pm?’ and I stick to my guns about getting a proper date before I talk to a guy a second time."

Dealing with guys who just date a few times and then want to continue the relationship by telephone is another big problem for Jemima.

"There was one guy I just couldn’t get rid of," sighs Jemima. "Finally, after telling him umpteen times that I was not available for chats he became really rude so I tape recorded my telephone conversations with him, and followed up every call by sending him a written transcript of what transpired between us on the telephone. That stopped him in his tracks."

"I’m also aware of the possibility of blackmail," says Jemima. "You never know what a guy is capable of doing and I make a point of never incriminating myself on the telephone and I try very hard to keep my telephone calls short. Sometimes I use a timer as an excuse to cut off some long-winded guy."

Asked whether all this is worth it, Jemima replies that she really does want to get married and live a normal life.

"I'm fed up being on welfare, I can’t get a job and I feel that marriage will not only provide me, and my children, with a normal life but also a financially secure one."

"If marrying for financial security takes me back to the 19th century," snaps Jemima, "then it just goes to show that nothing really has changed for single mothers."

"I'm still young and attractive and there's a guy out there somewhere who's going to make me very happy," says Jemima. "I will do whatever it takes, without jeopardizing my reputation and the children's security, to find him."

"I'm not going to settle for another Mr Wrong," adds Jemima. "I know what I want and I'm going to get it."

"It's annoying that I have to spend so much time on the telephone screening the guys I meet," sighs Jemima, "but I tell myself over and again that it's better to put up with mistreatment on the telephone than cop it in the flesh."

"I've toughened up a lot since I was a kid," says Jemima, "and every creep I come across is taking me one step nearer to finding Mr Right. I don't take their rubbish personally - if I did I would have given up long ago and settled for a life of misery working in some menial job."

"That's not the life I want, and in order to avoid it I'm prepared to keep on looking for however long it takes to find the guy I want."