enabling or supportive parents?
Like thousands of people around the world, Camille, now 32, lost her job with a major airline company following the 9/11 tragedy. It was a double whammy for Camille as she was still grieving from the death of her fiancé, Joseph, the year previously.
Luckily, Camille had returned to live with her parents after Joseph’s death, so she has had their continuing support for both tragedies. But as the years rolled by and Camille didn't pick herself up, one must question whether her parents' support has merely 'enabled' her continuing grief and self-pity.
Camille calls herself a widow even though Joseph died before they had legalized their relationship. They had lived together for three years and were man and wife in every respect, bar a piece of paper. At first Camille wondered how she could ever live without Joseph, but with her parents’ support and the daily routine of her job she pulled through.
Camille had loved her job, it was exciting, it kept her mind off her grief and it promised to last the distance. Losing her job, her rock, sent her into a spin from which she has not yet recovered.
How we approach job loss seems to be dependent upon how much we liked our old job; how financially secure we are; and how emotionally secure we are. Camille's worth as a human being was not exactly determined by her job, but it was very much integral to her being -- it gave her a level of status that she desperately needed.
For status conscious women, like Camille, a week out of work means a week out of the social whirl associated with work, and a month out of work means social death.
For Camille, this social death quickly brought to the surface all of the pain she had suffered a year earlier following Joseph’s death.
"Of all friends," says Camille, "there are none so fickle as co-workers. Some may be willing to keep in touch with a fired colleague for as long as it takes for her to find a new job, but most will adopt an out of sight out of mind approach. The only friends from work who were still in contact with me a month after the firing were those in the same boat as myself. Those who still had jobs appeared not to want to know us any more."
Lurching into manic activity to find a new job can therefore indicate a lot more than financial insecurity. When people lose jobs they also lose status. Finding a new job quickly, though, was not an option for Camille. The entire airline industry was shattered by the events of 9/11.
Most people who lose jobs have at least three month's worth of savings or insurance to tide them over, and Camille was luckier than most in that money wasn’t a problem. She was an only child and her parents were only too happy to support her.
There is a great deal to gain from taking a rest between jobs - whether we liked our old job or not - but Camille’s rest took the form of a deep depression.
"First I lost Joseph," explains Camille, "then I lost my job and all the social whirl that went with it, and now all I do is sit home watching movies. It helps to numb the pain."
Most people benefit from a long break between jobs, but in Camille’s case it might have been better for her to have lurched into manic activity to find a new job. Any job, or indeed the job search process itself, would have given her a focus. Keeping busy was the way she successfully coped with Joseph’s death, and keeping busy doing anything could have helped her through job loss, too.
"If any other airline was hiring," explains Camille, "I would have applied for a new job, but the whole industry was laying off staff after 9/11."
Camille had the desire for a new job, but not the opportunity.
Rather than looking at a new direction -- some other type of job to train for -- Camille chose to sink into depression and dwell in the past. Her parents didn’t urge her to get out and about. They just let her be. Ordinarily, this type of behavior is very supportive, but in Camille’s case even a low status job could have helped her.
Like a rebound relationship, the rebound job is merely a transition, a bridge between what we had and what we want, and providing that both employer and employee are happy with the arrangement it can be a wonderful healer.
There's no right or wrong way to cope with job loss, or any sort of loss. It all depends on the individual, and it also depends on what the universe is throwing at us, too.
It’s hard to imagine sitting at home watching television and movies as a routine capable of pulling Camille through job loss in the same way that the routine of her job pulled her through Joseph’s death, but anything is possible.
Asked whether she had any friends other than those she had worked with, Camille replies in the negative.
"My whole life had revolved around Joseph and my job," explains Camille, "all of my friends were co-workers."
Asked whether she’s still receiving support from the co-workers who had been laid-off at the same time as her, Camille shrugs.
"Immediately after the lay-off we spoke on the telephone every day," explains Camille, "but as time wore on they got on with their lives and I never hear from them now."
It would appear that Camille’s most painful loss had been the social status and social whirl that went with her job. She feels totally cast off from everyone except her parents, but unfortunately there comes a time when 'support' becomes 'enabling' of a negative mindset and that's what Camille's parents fear they have done.
Another option for Camille, should she not want to find a transition job in another industry, is to do voluntary work - especially in an area where she could meet people worse off than herself.
Camille’s life experiences have indeed been very unlucky, yet she has supportive parents, no financial worries, excellent health and her future employment prospects are good. A lot of people lack all of these blessings and yet get back on track quickly -- so maybe Camille's blessings have been, in fact, a curse.
Ordinarly, it would be kind to assume that Camille will come to this conclusion herself, but after such a long period of time spent in grief and self-pity her parents really have a duty to stop 'enabling' this negativity and to start 'supporting' their daughter in a new direction.
Luckily, Camille had returned to live with her parents after Joseph’s death, so she has had their continuing support for both tragedies. But as the years rolled by and Camille didn't pick herself up, one must question whether her parents' support has merely 'enabled' her continuing grief and self-pity.
Camille calls herself a widow even though Joseph died before they had legalized their relationship. They had lived together for three years and were man and wife in every respect, bar a piece of paper. At first Camille wondered how she could ever live without Joseph, but with her parents’ support and the daily routine of her job she pulled through.
Camille had loved her job, it was exciting, it kept her mind off her grief and it promised to last the distance. Losing her job, her rock, sent her into a spin from which she has not yet recovered.
How we approach job loss seems to be dependent upon how much we liked our old job; how financially secure we are; and how emotionally secure we are. Camille's worth as a human being was not exactly determined by her job, but it was very much integral to her being -- it gave her a level of status that she desperately needed.
For status conscious women, like Camille, a week out of work means a week out of the social whirl associated with work, and a month out of work means social death.
For Camille, this social death quickly brought to the surface all of the pain she had suffered a year earlier following Joseph’s death.
"Of all friends," says Camille, "there are none so fickle as co-workers. Some may be willing to keep in touch with a fired colleague for as long as it takes for her to find a new job, but most will adopt an out of sight out of mind approach. The only friends from work who were still in contact with me a month after the firing were those in the same boat as myself. Those who still had jobs appeared not to want to know us any more."
Lurching into manic activity to find a new job can therefore indicate a lot more than financial insecurity. When people lose jobs they also lose status. Finding a new job quickly, though, was not an option for Camille. The entire airline industry was shattered by the events of 9/11.
Most people who lose jobs have at least three month's worth of savings or insurance to tide them over, and Camille was luckier than most in that money wasn’t a problem. She was an only child and her parents were only too happy to support her.
There is a great deal to gain from taking a rest between jobs - whether we liked our old job or not - but Camille’s rest took the form of a deep depression.
"First I lost Joseph," explains Camille, "then I lost my job and all the social whirl that went with it, and now all I do is sit home watching movies. It helps to numb the pain."
Most people benefit from a long break between jobs, but in Camille’s case it might have been better for her to have lurched into manic activity to find a new job. Any job, or indeed the job search process itself, would have given her a focus. Keeping busy was the way she successfully coped with Joseph’s death, and keeping busy doing anything could have helped her through job loss, too.
"If any other airline was hiring," explains Camille, "I would have applied for a new job, but the whole industry was laying off staff after 9/11."
Camille had the desire for a new job, but not the opportunity.
Rather than looking at a new direction -- some other type of job to train for -- Camille chose to sink into depression and dwell in the past. Her parents didn’t urge her to get out and about. They just let her be. Ordinarily, this type of behavior is very supportive, but in Camille’s case even a low status job could have helped her.
Like a rebound relationship, the rebound job is merely a transition, a bridge between what we had and what we want, and providing that both employer and employee are happy with the arrangement it can be a wonderful healer.
There's no right or wrong way to cope with job loss, or any sort of loss. It all depends on the individual, and it also depends on what the universe is throwing at us, too.
It’s hard to imagine sitting at home watching television and movies as a routine capable of pulling Camille through job loss in the same way that the routine of her job pulled her through Joseph’s death, but anything is possible.
Asked whether she had any friends other than those she had worked with, Camille replies in the negative.
"My whole life had revolved around Joseph and my job," explains Camille, "all of my friends were co-workers."
Asked whether she’s still receiving support from the co-workers who had been laid-off at the same time as her, Camille shrugs.
"Immediately after the lay-off we spoke on the telephone every day," explains Camille, "but as time wore on they got on with their lives and I never hear from them now."
It would appear that Camille’s most painful loss had been the social status and social whirl that went with her job. She feels totally cast off from everyone except her parents, but unfortunately there comes a time when 'support' becomes 'enabling' of a negative mindset and that's what Camille's parents fear they have done.
Another option for Camille, should she not want to find a transition job in another industry, is to do voluntary work - especially in an area where she could meet people worse off than herself.
Camille’s life experiences have indeed been very unlucky, yet she has supportive parents, no financial worries, excellent health and her future employment prospects are good. A lot of people lack all of these blessings and yet get back on track quickly -- so maybe Camille's blessings have been, in fact, a curse.
Ordinarly, it would be kind to assume that Camille will come to this conclusion herself, but after such a long period of time spent in grief and self-pity her parents really have a duty to stop 'enabling' this negativity and to start 'supporting' their daughter in a new direction.
Labels: 9/11, death, direction, enabling, grief, job loss, parents, supportive
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