new direction after job loss

Donna is single, 36, and was absolutely dedicated to her job, but when profits slacked her employer showed no remorse about getting rid of her.

"I had put my all into the company," explains Donna "my job was far more important to me than a relationship so when the company I worked for laid me off I was thrown into panic."

"More than anyone else I have my mother to thank for getting me through this period," says Donna. "She gave me a wonderful book that I read from cover to cover."

"That book was Dr Kubler-Ross's Death and Dying," confides Donna "and don't let it's title put you off because the five stages of loss recovery outlined by Dr Kubler-Ross can be successfully applied to any loss."

"The five stages of loss recovery are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance," adds Donna, "and rather than the rational and often brutal way that society expects us to cope with job loss - pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there and get yourself another job - I was really helped by the spiritual approach of the Kubler-Ross recovery guide."

"Loss of a job and the security of employment," says Donna, "are factors up there on the stress scales with divorce so if, at the same time as losing a job, you suffer another life crisis then you risk the potential of developing a serious illness."

"When we are vulnerable all manner of misfortunes can happen to us - often in threes," explains Donna, "and while others may try to cajole us into finding a new job before we have had a chance to recover we need to understand that starting a new job is also a stressful experience and as such might tip our stress scales towards illness."

"When you’ve lost your job," says Donna, "you've already experienced a shock to your system. You don’t need another one. And I avoided further stress by staying at home and taking care of myself spiritually."

Donna is applying the Kubler-Ross five-stage recovery process very successfully to her recent job loss.

"The more you practice the process in small ways in your life," explains Donna, "such as losing your wallet or keys, or getting stuck in traffic, or whatever, the easier you’ll be able to cope when the big crises hit."

"My reaction when I heard I had lost my job was total disbelief and denial," says Donna. "It was so typical of the denial stage of the recovery process"

"Sure, there had been some talk and a few signs of trouble, but this must be a mistake. They would not fire me! I have been a loyal employee with the company for many years! I am indispensable! And on and on I went, refusing to believe that I have been axed."

"Some people," says Donna, "take a long time to get out of the denial stage. We have all read stories about people who get dressed and go to work as normal, though sitting in a park all day long, for considerable lengths of time after being laid-off. These people are unable to open up their feelings to those around them. Or they don’t have anyone to talk to."

To avoid staying in denial for longer than necessary, Donna believes that it is imperative to talk to someone about what has happened to you.

"You need to be among your own kind," says Donna, "and in an environment where there is no pressure to get out of denial before you are ready to do so."

"The anger stage of the recovery process was really big for me," confesses Donna. "When it finally sunk in that I was jobless an overwhelming feeling of anger and resentment built up."

"This is natural," says Donna. "Don’t fight it. Just let it happen. You have every right to be angry. No matter how long you had been with the company that laid you off, the anger is just as valid, just as strong."

"Companies these days demand more of one's time, energy and commitment than ever before and yet lack the generosity and reciprocity that once was part of the employer-employee social contract," explains Donna. "Get angry with them!"

Donna says that there may be intense anger towards the company - or the manager who fired you - and sometimes a great deal of resentment at co-workers who remain with the company.

"I found myself thinking: I am better than they are. I deserve better," says Donna. "I had been there longer than they had, and I was consumed with anger by all the inequities and betrayals of the firing."

"During the anger phase," says Donna, "you may be tempted to expose your former employer in a stinking letter to the press, or you may behave in some other well-documented disgruntled ex-employee manner. Try to resist the temptation. Believe it or not, but the anger does dissipate."

"The bargaining stage of the recovery process is one that not all of us go through," explains Donna, "or go through in the same manner. It differs according to the circumstances."

"If you have heard that the company is re-hiring on a contract basis," says Donna, "you might want to get re-instated. You might want to take the matter to court, not in anger but in defense of what you perceive as being your right to the job you lost. You believe you have some bargaining power, that all is not lost."

"You might try to involve a third party into negotiating for you," adds Donna. "You might accept another job on the rebound - just to show them how good you really are and how stupid they were to fire you - with the underlying hope that they will want you back. This is very common in the separation process, from a job or from a partner."

"Basically," says Donna, "in the bargaining process we are still hanging on to the past, wanting to breathe life into something that is lost and gone forever. Sometimes it is the company that fired you that makes the first move to re-instate you. Hardly likely, but it is possible. Finally, you see the futility of it all."

"The depression stage of the recovery process is one that I'm still going through," sighs Donna. "I'm not talking about clinical depression here, but just plain sadness, misery and pessimism. People who jump back into the job-hunting scene before they are ready to present themselves at their best are prime candidates to fall into an abject pit of misery from which they may never recover after receiving a few rejections."

"Job hunting involves not just a few rejections," says Donna, "it involves hundreds, even thousands, and you've got to be strong in order to accept this sort of relentless rejection."

"I invested a great deal in my job," says Donna. "I actually took on a study course to improve my chances of promotion and now I’m left doing a course that I don’t particularly want to continue with. All of that time. All of that energy. All wasted. All gone. I've lost my working identity, my work colleagues and a familiar routine. All of these things are worthy of time spent in grief."

"I'm grappling with a sense of worthlessness," says Donna. "I feel that nobody will ever employ me again. I feel that I am too old, or too stupid, or too inexperienced or whatever for any employer to ever want to hire me again. It's a good feeling, strangely, so the depression stage is really healthy in the recovery process."

"My friends are scolding me for not getting out there and setting the world on fire," laughs Donna. "They mean well, they hate to see me so sad, but if I took their advice and started looking for another job during the depression phase I will end up in a dead-end job that will demoralize me even further."

"The next phase in the recovery process is acceptance," says Donna "and I'm looking forward to that day. Dr Kubler-Ross doesn't mean to imply that I will experience joy and happiness and brightness. Acceptance merely means that we have come to terms with loss and are neither angry nor sad any more. It is over. It is time to move on."

"It's only when we are in acceptance mode, only when we feel good and look good, that we should start thinking about a new direction," explains Donna, "and that makes good sense to me."